I am an extremely picky reader to the point where I don't enjoy a lot of works, so I hope you take it as the high praise it is that this story is really quite good.
Your prose is technically and grammatically correct -- it shows you read a lot, and pay attention to what you read and know how a story should "feel" written on the page. You also avoid the fanfiction pitfall of too-many useless adjectives and description (I never want to read the phrase "golden orbs" again) and overall your prose is quite tight.
Here's a few things to work on next time. The "tense" of the story shifts from present to past -- "is" to "was" and back -- several times. You should pick one and stick to it, or make the transitions ruler-straight and defined. Switching between tenses can be a really powerful storytelling tool -- I can see you using present tense for Jet's slow waking up and healing and resolutions with Iroh, and using past tense for his memories and finally his arrival at the Fire Nation palace. Switching between them that way would help reinforce the very poignant theme of his life and his ideas changing.
Whatever you choose, though -- it should be consistent. I actually scribble out all my drafts in present-tense because it's just faster or something, then as I'm revising I change it all to past-tense. Most of the time I catch all the changes, but sometimes a word escapes and throws off a sentence until I fix it ("jumped and lands hard" is an example of mixed tenses -- it's jarring, no?).
You've also worked a little too hard on descriptions in a few areas, especially when it comes to the bodyguard uniform. In this, I can see that perhaps your artist's eye is hindering you just a bit -- you know *exactly* what they look like, and have described that in the narrative. It's a little too much description, though (in my opinion, of course) -- and moreso, it's from the eyes of an impartial insider, which makes us as readers take a step back from the very poignant view you've given us from Jet's eyes and memories.
Here's what I mean. I doubt that Jet is thinking about collar-less shirts and that the leather shoulder-guard matches the pants as he stands in this ornate changing room. I think instead that he's thinking about the alien feel of silk or linen catching on his callouses, the color of the enemy against his skin, the new leather smelling sharp and creaking as he slid the shoulder-guard over his head, tried not to stoop under its weight. Your observation of at least it's grey -- he's never killed anyone in grey is exactly what I mean: that comes straight from his head and his heart, not his eyes. You've done such a good job getting us into Jet's head with just this first try -- you can keep us there and drag us deeper by re-working some of the descriptions to be from Jet's perspective.
Meanwhile, your artist's eye for detail is so very well-served in your illustrations -- you don't have to go to the work of *describing* the specific colors and layout of the uniforms when your drawings do them such justice.
Also, a final note on uniforms: your story seems to revolve around them maybe just a little too much. I say this because when Katara and Aang visit Iroh's tea shop and are describing the bodyguards, they also describe the uniforms as a major facet, and that Ty Lee designed them. It seems odd to me that they would go from talking about how Zuko was nearly killed to describing the spiffy outfits -- the tone it creates strikes me as contrary (too light-hearted) to the rest of the story. I know that as an author, there are certain facts and back-stories that I make up to support my plot and just love to death, but aren't appropriate to put into the narrative. This seems like one better left out for now -- maybe it can come up in conversation later, when Jet encounters Ty Lee for the first time and she gushes over how good he looks in it. Etc.
no subject
Your prose is technically and grammatically correct -- it shows you read a lot, and pay attention to what you read and know how a story should "feel" written on the page. You also avoid the fanfiction pitfall of too-many useless adjectives and description (I never want to read the phrase "golden orbs" again) and overall your prose is quite tight.
Here's a few things to work on next time. The "tense" of the story shifts from present to past -- "is" to "was" and back -- several times. You should pick one and stick to it, or make the transitions ruler-straight and defined. Switching between tenses can be a really powerful storytelling tool -- I can see you using present tense for Jet's slow waking up and healing and resolutions with Iroh, and using past tense for his memories and finally his arrival at the Fire Nation palace. Switching between them that way would help reinforce the very poignant theme of his life and his ideas changing.
Whatever you choose, though -- it should be consistent. I actually scribble out all my drafts in present-tense because it's just faster or something, then as I'm revising I change it all to past-tense. Most of the time I catch all the changes, but sometimes a word escapes and throws off a sentence until I fix it ("jumped and lands hard" is an example of mixed tenses -- it's jarring, no?).
You've also worked a little too hard on descriptions in a few areas, especially when it comes to the bodyguard uniform. In this, I can see that perhaps your artist's eye is hindering you just a bit -- you know *exactly* what they look like, and have described that in the narrative. It's a little too much description, though (in my opinion, of course) -- and moreso, it's from the eyes of an impartial insider, which makes us as readers take a step back from the very poignant view you've given us from Jet's eyes and memories.
Here's what I mean. I doubt that Jet is thinking about collar-less shirts and that the leather shoulder-guard matches the pants as he stands in this ornate changing room. I think instead that he's thinking about the alien feel of silk or linen catching on his callouses, the color of the enemy against his skin, the new leather smelling sharp and creaking as he slid the shoulder-guard over his head, tried not to stoop under its weight. Your observation of at least it's grey -- he's never killed anyone in grey is exactly what I mean: that comes straight from his head and his heart, not his eyes. You've done such a good job getting us into Jet's head with just this first try -- you can keep us there and drag us deeper by re-working some of the descriptions to be from Jet's perspective.
Meanwhile, your artist's eye for detail is so very well-served in your illustrations -- you don't have to go to the work of *describing* the specific colors and layout of the uniforms when your drawings do them such justice.
Also, a final note on uniforms: your story seems to revolve around them maybe just a little too much. I say this because when Katara and Aang visit Iroh's tea shop and are describing the bodyguards, they also describe the uniforms as a major facet, and that Ty Lee designed them. It seems odd to me that they would go from talking about how Zuko was nearly killed to describing the spiffy outfits -- the tone it creates strikes me as contrary (too light-hearted) to the rest of the story. I know that as an author, there are certain facts and back-stories that I make up to support my plot and just love to death, but aren't appropriate to put into the narrative. This seems like one better left out for now -- maybe it can come up in conversation later, when Jet encounters Ty Lee for the first time and she gushes over how good he looks in it. Etc.