*hugs* This isn't a case of you being weak at all. It's a very hard thing to face powerful feelings like this and the fact that you're fighting both those urges and the fact that you feel this way in the first place is very brave. Which doesn't make it easier, I know, but we're all here cheering you on and wishing you well.

Take courage and try to breathe. You're not alone. *more hugs*