I love you so much that I sometimes I hate you, sometimes I want to scream and shake you, demand that you let me free. But one word from you holds me captive and makes me content for days. I believe every promise you make and it breaks my heart every time you don't follow through. I love you so much, you are beautiful, sweet, innocent, worldly. You are my paradox, my angel savior and my demon captor. You hold my life in your hand, command me to die and I will open myself and let the blood pour out. But you have commanded me to live which is twice as hard but yet I continue on, the collar of your command around my neck. But please don’t be afraid, I could never harm you. I want to protect you, make you happy. I love you so much.
My mother was an artist, I use the word was because she had me and that was that. She always talks about wanting to get back into art and complains how having children has stopped that. She regrets having me, blames me. But it isn't my fault, I DIDN'T ASK TO BE BORN! She was the fool and I am the product. I do not want to have children because what would come from my womb that could be good?
I hate how everyone condemns America for what we've done, what have we done that is worse than the rest of the world? They say we are fools who are lazy and smile too much when we work so hard. We smile because if we stopped it would mean we had lost, so often there is more of a grimace than anything happy. It bothers me more than maybe it should.
When I was young I was molested by one of the people I trusted most. She told me it was a game. She left before I realized what had been done to me. I’ve never told my mother who let her into the house, I’ve never told my friends. I’ve never gotten an answer about why she did it, maybe that’s what haunts me the most. Did she love me or was I just a toy, I fear both answers. The rooms of my house are haunted by ghosts only I see. Sometimes I wake up from nightmares about her coming for me. I can not go back to sleep because I fear that she will be waiting for me. I try not to let her control anything I do now, but I know that I will never be entirely free of her.
I am so tired, I've spent my life running after people and trying to do everything I can do to make them smile. But all they do is hurt me, they leave me behind and alone. I know my ending will not be a happy one, for someone to love me enough to has after me is impossible. I fear my end and yet I long for it. I only hope that my end will bring a measure of happiness to those I love, an know they will all forget me in time. I feel like a ghost among people, I am too afraid to share anything that matters when I have to own up to my words, I hate myself after I say anything, ashamed at my weakness. I am afraid that if I stop running after people that I will be all alone, I am afraid of finding out that I don't need them. I am afraid when I look in the mirror and see what I could so easily become if I lost control. I am always so afraid but there will be no one to hold me, I want someone to need me but I am replaceable to everyone. I am so afraid but am not allowed to just curl up into a ball and hide. I am afraid and that is my greatest secret.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2010-02-17 12:51 am (UTC)My mother was an artist, I use the word was because she had me and that was that. She always talks about wanting to get back into art and complains how having children has stopped that. She regrets having me, blames me. But it isn't my fault, I DIDN'T ASK TO BE BORN! She was the fool and I am the product. I do not want to have children because what would come from my womb that could be good?
I hate how everyone condemns America for what we've done, what have we done that is worse than the rest of the world? They say we are fools who are lazy and smile too much when we work so hard. We smile because if we stopped it would mean we had lost, so often there is more of a grimace than anything happy. It bothers me more than maybe it should.
When I was young I was molested by one of the people I trusted most. She told me it was a game. She left before I realized what had been done to me. I’ve never told my mother who let her into the house, I’ve never told my friends. I’ve never gotten an answer about why she did it, maybe that’s what haunts me the most. Did she love me or was I just a toy, I fear both answers. The rooms of my house are haunted by ghosts only I see. Sometimes I wake up from nightmares about her coming for me. I can not go back to sleep because I fear that she will be waiting for me. I try not to let her control anything I do now, but I know that I will never be entirely free of her.
I am so tired, I've spent my life running after people and trying to do everything I can do to make them smile. But all they do is hurt me, they leave me behind and alone. I know my ending will not be a happy one, for someone to love me enough to has after me is impossible. I fear my end and yet I long for it. I only hope that my end will bring a measure of happiness to those I love, an know they will all forget me in time. I feel like a ghost among people, I am too afraid to share anything that matters when I have to own up to my words, I hate myself after I say anything, ashamed at my weakness. I am afraid that if I stop running after people that I will be all alone, I am afraid of finding out that I don't need them. I am afraid when I look in the mirror and see what I could so easily become if I lost control. I am always so afraid but there will be no one to hold me, I want someone to need me but I am replaceable to everyone. I am so afraid but am not allowed to just curl up into a ball and hide. I am afraid and that is my greatest secret.