luco | I hate people messing with my head.

This day has drained me of all the energy I was trying to get. First I get a confession of love from a guy I have always considered a brother or guardian...something i could probably handle normally, but not in March. this month has too many bad memories, that have once again resurfaced.

(The next part you don't have to read, just me finally letting myself remember this year)

I remember it was when i was really young...Grade 2 age...there was this kid named Daniel who was my greatest friend. Some would most likely call it puppy love or something like that, but we were extremely close.

But he was often abused by his dad.

And it was too me that he would talk to, on the phone or at school. I did all I could and never turned him away even when I myself felt like breaking under the stress of holding his words secret, of being his wall.

And then...just before March break...I had been dealing with alot at home and other people all telling me their problems that the night he called I told him I couldn't handle it that day and hung up.

The enxt day in school during first recess his mother found me adn dragged me to the apartment across the street. i didn't fight since I knew her. I kept asking what was wrong, but she said nothing and dragged me into the apartment and thre me into Daniel's room.

He was dead, his wrists slashed open with a kitchen knife, eyes open, staring at a phone that he never hung up. the call that I had turned away. His mother shouted at me then, telling me I had killed him, that I was too blame and I believed her and when she left I stayed beside him, wishing that those eyes held life.

I went back to school and got in trouble when I told them I had wandered down to the store.

I never said a word when his death was told to the class and I never ever hung up the phone or turned a friend away afterwards, even as my mind chose to block away that image. And now, it's March break again and I can see his apartment...and I'm asked to fall in love again. That's not something i can do at this time.

(memories over)

So that's one part of it, the other is people playing on the fact that I ahve a hard time knowing what's real and what isn't. i've always had that problem and when you have friends who deal with Spiritual stuff (I honestly don't know what to classify it under) their ideas adn thoughts transfer over to you until you don't know what to believe.

And now they are dragging me back into it, into a nightmare that feels more real than walking around.

But i can't turn them away cause they asked for help, and it's march, and I can't say no.

Now also I get a call from my younger brother, who is worried beacuse mom isn't doing so good and I need to help with that, or so I'm told....and I want to, they're family, but going there hurts, physically, emotionally, mentally...but I can't seem to say no.

Now everything I have planned is nothing I want to do. All I want to do is curl into a ball and cry, but even that's hard. And yet I know I will not take out any of this in blood on my skin. I promised too many people that care about me that I wouldn't.

I'll stay away from the knives, and the nuts and shellfish and I'll keep eating...but inside I still feel like I'm dying, always feel this way through march....

I hate this month, and people's timing.

I hate people messing with my head.

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