![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Mar. 9th, 2004
If I can't see it...
Mar. 9th, 2004 09:35 pmTis night now...and dark. And for some reason, I'm afraid of it, but more afraid to turn on a light. I've spent a few hours with a friend and that, while nice, was draining.
She needed someone with energy to help her deal with the stress of exams, and so I became the one with energy, the hyper child that she remembers from school.
And now that's she gone, I'm exhausted and sad.
I can't look into mirrors anymore, the person I see doesn't match the one I know...or rather think I know. The dark is the same way. My movements can belong to soemone else in the dark since I can't see my own body. I can live another story, with music pounding all around me, in the dark. Never hearing my own voice, or seeing my own body.
And it feels more real to me than what i am.
And so I'll keep the lights off and refuse to look into mirrors.
I've been told lately that I look the point past exhausted...and this by random strangers who are concerned about me. So i must be bad...
But i can't help it. It's become a part of me, but is it me?
I'm not sure.
I'm never sure.
Dad bought me the movie Mazes and Monsters. And I watched it with him. Afterwards he told me that the reason he wanted me to watch it was so that I learned what happens when you can't seperate fantasy and reality.
I asked if he was afraid I would do that.
He told me I often had and then walked away. Makes me wonder what I've been living sometimes. But strangely i find myself quietly amused by it instead of disturbed. Normally I'd be curling up within myself wondering what was wrong.
Yet here I sit and write them out. I find it helps more...and certain post have triggered my mind to thinking these things through and I find myself becoming more relaxed. yet I wonder if I'm just again affected by a character, or characters...
At this moment, I know I need sleep and so I shall turn to my bed and hope I actually sleep tonight. These past two weeks I've been operating on 3 hours of sleep a night....and I'm the one not in school...
Oh well, good night.
*sleepy wave*
She needed someone with energy to help her deal with the stress of exams, and so I became the one with energy, the hyper child that she remembers from school.
And now that's she gone, I'm exhausted and sad.
I can't look into mirrors anymore, the person I see doesn't match the one I know...or rather think I know. The dark is the same way. My movements can belong to soemone else in the dark since I can't see my own body. I can live another story, with music pounding all around me, in the dark. Never hearing my own voice, or seeing my own body.
And it feels more real to me than what i am.
And so I'll keep the lights off and refuse to look into mirrors.
I've been told lately that I look the point past exhausted...and this by random strangers who are concerned about me. So i must be bad...
But i can't help it. It's become a part of me, but is it me?
I'm not sure.
I'm never sure.
Dad bought me the movie Mazes and Monsters. And I watched it with him. Afterwards he told me that the reason he wanted me to watch it was so that I learned what happens when you can't seperate fantasy and reality.
I asked if he was afraid I would do that.
He told me I often had and then walked away. Makes me wonder what I've been living sometimes. But strangely i find myself quietly amused by it instead of disturbed. Normally I'd be curling up within myself wondering what was wrong.
Yet here I sit and write them out. I find it helps more...and certain post have triggered my mind to thinking these things through and I find myself becoming more relaxed. yet I wonder if I'm just again affected by a character, or characters...
At this moment, I know I need sleep and so I shall turn to my bed and hope I actually sleep tonight. These past two weeks I've been operating on 3 hours of sleep a night....and I'm the one not in school...
Oh well, good night.
*sleepy wave*