Spring Cleaning
Mar. 28th, 2009 03:29 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lucoRight now, I'm in the middle of a proper cleaning of my room. Which means actually going through the piles of papers, books, artwork and assorted random stuff that gets shoved in boxes and drawers.
And it was as I was doing this rather boring chore that I let my mind start drifting and actually started thinking about everything. The moment I started crying my first reaction was to stop thinking and go back to day-dreaming, but I forced myself not to do that. I figured, if I was cleaning out my room, I might as well do the same to my head.
I'll start with what happened in December since that is what really triggered everything else. You remember when I said I was attacked? That wasn't all that happened. I was raped. And that is something i can type but still cannot say with any ease. There was four of them and one of me, I didn`t stand a chance. Yes I fought back in the end and yes I got them away from me, but it still felt like it came to late.
I didn`t tell anyone until school started again and my friends here forced me to see a councellor when they noticed I jumped and flinched at every shadow. My first session with the lady was nothing but silence for a good hour until finally I broke down and said it and finally, someone else knew. She sent me to the doctor to help me get put on temporary disability and to diagnose me with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder to give me some breathing room at school.
So I started seeing the doctor and her regularly until, one day i walked into the councelling office and their was a boy in the waiting room that reminded me too much of them and I ran away and didn`t go back. I stayed with the doctor though. He got me something to help me with sleeping and I took some anti-depressants (something i didn`t think I would ever do again) and things started to look better. I thought I could handle things and so tried to live normally again.
I was wrong and I crashed, badly. I was in the hospital three times for nut reactions. All three were suicide attempts. by mid-Febuary, my mother caught on that more then just an attack had happened and she came down to visit me. The day before she left, i finally told her everything that happened and she sat me down and pushed me until I finally cried. I told my one really good friend and my roomates as well, but that was it. And it was then that I noticed the pressure I was putting everyone under by being this depressed, by being this jumpy and wound up and resolved not to let it bother them. So I started acting like I was fine and everyone seemed to be fine with that. But I wasn`t fine.
I couldn`t bring myself to say anything online either. I just didn`t want to respond to comments or emails or talk on the phone. I wanted to distance myself myself from everything and everyone, hoping that people would forget or at least not feel too much for me. But a lot of people didn`t give up and kept asking if I was alright, if everything was going well, and tried to pretend that it was. But here, at school and at home, everything was a mess. I have very rarely been to class, I don`t go anywhere too crowded, I had no desire to do anything or be anywhere.
Then March break came and I`m always a mess at that time. And when school started once more, I just wanted to break. It`s very hard to go to school, when you know four people in that building hurt you badly, and when you`ve nearly died because so many of them don`t seem to care about your allergies. It`s torture walking in every day and being forced to wear a mask and have people stare and whisper and keep a distance but still point and talk behind your back. It hurts when you don`t want to speak because the muffled sound reminds you that your are masked or when you catch sight of your own reflection. You don`t want to keep your head up, you don`t want to walk down the halls, you don`t want to be seen and still, you have to keep it on because you watch people bring in their doughnuts and food and peanut butter bagels or shrimp noodles and you just know that if the mask wasn`t on, you could be dead.
It makes walking out the door very hard.
And then, two weeks ago, I was heading to class, and got jumped again. It was two of the guys from december and I froze, panicked. One had me from behind and the other grabbed my arm. They said that they had heard rumours of the the attack being spread at school and weren`t happy about it and figured I needed something to help remind me to stay quiet. And as i was forced to watch the guy in front of me took out an exacto-knife and slowly ran it down the length of my forearm three times. They`re not deep wounds but the way they were done was painful and the whole situation just left me a mess.
They left and I turned and instead of going to class, went to the mall and got gauze and bandages and wrapped my arm and refused to say a word. But a bloodied arm attracts attention. At first I told people I did it, but no one really seemed to believe it and finally someone got the truth out of me. But now, I didn`t want to go anywhere. I was tired and sick of everything that I stopped thinking, stopped caring and just pretended nothing happened.
Until a few days ago when i realized I was holding a knife in my hands and about to do something very VERY stupid.
It was at that point that I got angry. I was angry at myself for letting it come to this, for even thinking about doing that. I was angry about every hospital trip, every missed class, every day of hiding and then I was angry at them. I was angry that they had that much of an impact on my life that they thought they could do this to me. But although I was finally angry, I couldn`t react. I can`t even cry or scream right now and I`m shaking. The doctor had gotten my files from when I was younger and both he and my mom tell me this has always been my biggest problem. I don`t know how to respond honestly. I can act like I`m angry or upset or afraid, but when I`m truly feeling it, I can`t do anything. it makes no sense i know, but it`s true.
I was told that just feeling angry is a good step in the right direction and that I shouldn`t feel too frustrated with myself that this will take time, but I can`t help it. It`s almost four months now and still, they have a hold over my life.
Add on severe money problems (I`m actually seriously thinking about selling my rare giant Cloud statue to pay for rent and possibly get food), the stress of third-year animation, dad not doing well, and trying to figure out how to handle everything else in school and well, let`s just say I`m tired.
Which is why i started cleaning today, hoping to give myself a fresh start and tearing up old life drawings is soothing, especially when they have no real faces and you can imagine which ever one you want to as you rip it in half. It was then that I started crying and it was as I was going into my little work room to grab the rest that I realized I needed to clean my head as well and why I`m typing it here.
In my work room, there is one wall, actually one and a half, dedicated to all the cards, photos and things that you guys have sent me. I keep them all and I post them up there. It amazes me how much all of you have spoiled me, how much you`ve put up with and how much love you`ve given me.
Many of you I`ve never met, others I know from conventions, but I`ve never really treated any of you as well as I should. So many times I have recieved comments, or emails, or phone calls or mail from you and have given nothing in return. Yet still you keep on giving. So many times when I`ve just wanted to give up I just have to look at the wall, or open my email and there is a reason to smile, to continue drawing, to continue living and I honestly don`t know how to thank all of you. I figured starting with the truth of what happened is probably the best.
Another truth has to deal with One Piece. You`ll notice there has not been much art from it even though I still adore it. It is because I don`t feel like I deserve the right to do anything from it. Through that story, I have met so many of you both online and in preson and everytime I go to draw, there just isn`t enough heart in me to do it justice and it is something that needs more because it means more. It probably sounds silly, but I stopped drawing it because I didn`t think I deserved the friends who came with it. Not that everyone else is any less, it`s just One Piece seemed to hit the hardest and I honestly can`t say why.
I hope, with this typed out and my room and mind slowly being cleaned up that will change soon, but if it does take a while, I hope you guys continue to be patient with me. Actually, if you read all the way through this I know you are beyond patient.
But this has helped.
It is a relief to know that someone else now knows what has happened, that everything that I just can`t say out loud has been written and read and acknowledged.
So even if you don`t comment and just read. Thank you. I don`t feel as alone right now, I feel a little calmer.
Now, back to finishing this room.
...
Thank you.
And it was as I was doing this rather boring chore that I let my mind start drifting and actually started thinking about everything. The moment I started crying my first reaction was to stop thinking and go back to day-dreaming, but I forced myself not to do that. I figured, if I was cleaning out my room, I might as well do the same to my head.
I'll start with what happened in December since that is what really triggered everything else. You remember when I said I was attacked? That wasn't all that happened. I was raped. And that is something i can type but still cannot say with any ease. There was four of them and one of me, I didn`t stand a chance. Yes I fought back in the end and yes I got them away from me, but it still felt like it came to late.
I didn`t tell anyone until school started again and my friends here forced me to see a councellor when they noticed I jumped and flinched at every shadow. My first session with the lady was nothing but silence for a good hour until finally I broke down and said it and finally, someone else knew. She sent me to the doctor to help me get put on temporary disability and to diagnose me with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder to give me some breathing room at school.
So I started seeing the doctor and her regularly until, one day i walked into the councelling office and their was a boy in the waiting room that reminded me too much of them and I ran away and didn`t go back. I stayed with the doctor though. He got me something to help me with sleeping and I took some anti-depressants (something i didn`t think I would ever do again) and things started to look better. I thought I could handle things and so tried to live normally again.
I was wrong and I crashed, badly. I was in the hospital three times for nut reactions. All three were suicide attempts. by mid-Febuary, my mother caught on that more then just an attack had happened and she came down to visit me. The day before she left, i finally told her everything that happened and she sat me down and pushed me until I finally cried. I told my one really good friend and my roomates as well, but that was it. And it was then that I noticed the pressure I was putting everyone under by being this depressed, by being this jumpy and wound up and resolved not to let it bother them. So I started acting like I was fine and everyone seemed to be fine with that. But I wasn`t fine.
I couldn`t bring myself to say anything online either. I just didn`t want to respond to comments or emails or talk on the phone. I wanted to distance myself myself from everything and everyone, hoping that people would forget or at least not feel too much for me. But a lot of people didn`t give up and kept asking if I was alright, if everything was going well, and tried to pretend that it was. But here, at school and at home, everything was a mess. I have very rarely been to class, I don`t go anywhere too crowded, I had no desire to do anything or be anywhere.
Then March break came and I`m always a mess at that time. And when school started once more, I just wanted to break. It`s very hard to go to school, when you know four people in that building hurt you badly, and when you`ve nearly died because so many of them don`t seem to care about your allergies. It`s torture walking in every day and being forced to wear a mask and have people stare and whisper and keep a distance but still point and talk behind your back. It hurts when you don`t want to speak because the muffled sound reminds you that your are masked or when you catch sight of your own reflection. You don`t want to keep your head up, you don`t want to walk down the halls, you don`t want to be seen and still, you have to keep it on because you watch people bring in their doughnuts and food and peanut butter bagels or shrimp noodles and you just know that if the mask wasn`t on, you could be dead.
It makes walking out the door very hard.
And then, two weeks ago, I was heading to class, and got jumped again. It was two of the guys from december and I froze, panicked. One had me from behind and the other grabbed my arm. They said that they had heard rumours of the the attack being spread at school and weren`t happy about it and figured I needed something to help remind me to stay quiet. And as i was forced to watch the guy in front of me took out an exacto-knife and slowly ran it down the length of my forearm three times. They`re not deep wounds but the way they were done was painful and the whole situation just left me a mess.
They left and I turned and instead of going to class, went to the mall and got gauze and bandages and wrapped my arm and refused to say a word. But a bloodied arm attracts attention. At first I told people I did it, but no one really seemed to believe it and finally someone got the truth out of me. But now, I didn`t want to go anywhere. I was tired and sick of everything that I stopped thinking, stopped caring and just pretended nothing happened.
Until a few days ago when i realized I was holding a knife in my hands and about to do something very VERY stupid.
It was at that point that I got angry. I was angry at myself for letting it come to this, for even thinking about doing that. I was angry about every hospital trip, every missed class, every day of hiding and then I was angry at them. I was angry that they had that much of an impact on my life that they thought they could do this to me. But although I was finally angry, I couldn`t react. I can`t even cry or scream right now and I`m shaking. The doctor had gotten my files from when I was younger and both he and my mom tell me this has always been my biggest problem. I don`t know how to respond honestly. I can act like I`m angry or upset or afraid, but when I`m truly feeling it, I can`t do anything. it makes no sense i know, but it`s true.
I was told that just feeling angry is a good step in the right direction and that I shouldn`t feel too frustrated with myself that this will take time, but I can`t help it. It`s almost four months now and still, they have a hold over my life.
Add on severe money problems (I`m actually seriously thinking about selling my rare giant Cloud statue to pay for rent and possibly get food), the stress of third-year animation, dad not doing well, and trying to figure out how to handle everything else in school and well, let`s just say I`m tired.
Which is why i started cleaning today, hoping to give myself a fresh start and tearing up old life drawings is soothing, especially when they have no real faces and you can imagine which ever one you want to as you rip it in half. It was then that I started crying and it was as I was going into my little work room to grab the rest that I realized I needed to clean my head as well and why I`m typing it here.
In my work room, there is one wall, actually one and a half, dedicated to all the cards, photos and things that you guys have sent me. I keep them all and I post them up there. It amazes me how much all of you have spoiled me, how much you`ve put up with and how much love you`ve given me.
Many of you I`ve never met, others I know from conventions, but I`ve never really treated any of you as well as I should. So many times I have recieved comments, or emails, or phone calls or mail from you and have given nothing in return. Yet still you keep on giving. So many times when I`ve just wanted to give up I just have to look at the wall, or open my email and there is a reason to smile, to continue drawing, to continue living and I honestly don`t know how to thank all of you. I figured starting with the truth of what happened is probably the best.
Another truth has to deal with One Piece. You`ll notice there has not been much art from it even though I still adore it. It is because I don`t feel like I deserve the right to do anything from it. Through that story, I have met so many of you both online and in preson and everytime I go to draw, there just isn`t enough heart in me to do it justice and it is something that needs more because it means more. It probably sounds silly, but I stopped drawing it because I didn`t think I deserved the friends who came with it. Not that everyone else is any less, it`s just One Piece seemed to hit the hardest and I honestly can`t say why.
I hope, with this typed out and my room and mind slowly being cleaned up that will change soon, but if it does take a while, I hope you guys continue to be patient with me. Actually, if you read all the way through this I know you are beyond patient.
But this has helped.
It is a relief to know that someone else now knows what has happened, that everything that I just can`t say out loud has been written and read and acknowledged.
So even if you don`t comment and just read. Thank you. I don`t feel as alone right now, I feel a little calmer.
Now, back to finishing this room.
...
Thank you.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2009-03-28 08:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-28 08:54 pm (UTC)I remember a story about a cartoonist drawing up a caricature of his assailant, leading to a quick arrest. Do you think you could do that? You probably have a better eye for prominent features than the average non-artist.
no subject
Date: 2009-03-28 08:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-28 09:02 pm (UTC)I'm going to email you my phone number, ok? If you need to talk to somebody, give me a call. (no pressure!)
no subject
Date: 2009-03-28 10:00 pm (UTC)The trauma from that sort of thing comes out in a thousand different ways, many of them unexpectedly strange, but there's one thing that's consistent in all of them... **we keep perpetuating the harm done to us, turning away from the people and things we love, because we're trying to validate why something that horrible happened.**
We're trying to make ourselves be more flawed, so that it makes some damn kind of sense for someone to have treated us with such brutal disregard, such inhumanity. We bury our pain in more pain.
That said, I hope that you do two things. It's my dearest wish that you find your way back to therapy, so that you're not letting your fears herd you as if you were mindless sheep. There's too much good in your future for that, and you deserve to be able to reach out to it.
Secondly - and please hear me out - it would be a very good thing if you went to the police on this and reported it. I'm not saying that you have to press charges against them; some things are too painful to go through again, and no one has the right to make you suffer more. But my gut instinct is that this "pack behavior" of theirs didn't start with you, and probably won't end with you. By reporting them to the police, there will be a record and a history of their criminal actions that can be leveraged if/when they do this to another girl.
Most of all, I'm so sorry to hear about this, and wish I could wish it away.
no subject
Date: 2009-03-28 10:42 pm (UTC)And I know that it is scary and hard, but if these guys are around you all the time and have hurt you AGAIN, you really, really should go to the police. About the knife business if nothing else. I mean...they've probably threatened you about going to the police, but really, you DIDN'T go to the police, and they've hurt you again anyway.... :( And like mewrisscat says, if they get away with THIS, they're much more likely to try it on someone else.
:hugs:
no subject
Date: 2009-03-28 10:43 pm (UTC)I'm so sorry for everything you've gone through. I wish there was anything I could do to help, but at the very least know that there are always people willing to listen.
no subject
Date: 2009-03-28 11:58 pm (UTC)I'm afraid they're going to keep coming at you, or do it to someone else. And I think you'd feel better having them off campus. Or better yet, can you report them and then transfer schools? And mace. Can you get some mace?
I really don't know what else to say except that I wish this shit wasn't happening to you, and that it's not your fault.
And One Piece? Sweetie, it's about friendship. Finding people you can count on and get through anything with. Nakama, right? Of course you deserve the friends you made! But, don't worry about that right now, just work on getting healthy, k?
no subject
Date: 2009-03-29 12:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-29 02:25 am (UTC)just know I'd be willing to do whatever I can if it would make you even the slightest bit happier in this screwed up world...even though I feel I have little to offer except my complete support and the antics of my own stumbling through life... *Hugs*
no subject
Date: 2009-03-29 03:43 am (UTC)=/ now I feel like a total ass for bein' cranky at you for basically ignorin' me for the past 3 months.
I'm teaching you stuff and staying by you all AN dammit. I have no one else and nothing to do so I'ma sit there all fuckin' weekend if I have to. No one messes with you when I'm around god dammit. god damn, I'm so pissed off (not at you, hun. *pet* myself for not helping or pushing harder)
I'm not working and extend an offer to protect you...if you just feed me, I'll follow you everywhere. I mean it. Having me in your corner is a good thing. Violent, short tempered black belt...come on lol no one will fuck with you with me there.
no subject
Date: 2009-03-29 02:38 pm (UTC)As for the other... I'm pretty sure most of us don't want you to *act* happy, we want you to *be* happy - and when you're not, we want to help you if we can. Not because we expect anything, but because you're you. *hugs* Please don't ever feel that's a burden on anyone.
Anyway, if there's anything we can do...
no subject
Date: 2009-03-29 04:31 pm (UTC)Also know that there are people that like you even with only knowing you for a short time I know that your a great person and a New reason to look forward to Otacon.
no subject
Date: 2009-03-29 09:19 pm (UTC)I've made a few suicide attempts when I felt like I couldn't handle people's eyes on me all the time, peering over the cold shoulder. I can't relay my true feelings or reactions all that well either- though maybe not quite the same as your response I just keep it all inside, bury it deep and pretend it doesn't exist. When I finally do break down and cry, it is a force of habit to reign everything in and just stop; this happened in front of my best friend and it shocked her at how fast I 'rebounded' and pretended nothing was wrong even though I was just bawling not a minute ago.
Even if you can't say anything of this out loud yet, it is a good step to see it written and that someone else knows and can help.
You really should report this to the authorities if you haven't already, they can at least be more on guard for other incidents.
If you want to talk over the phone, I'm more than willing to give you my cellphone number- all you have to do is ask. But you'll definitely be in my thoughts and prayers.
no subject
Date: 2009-03-30 12:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-30 06:45 pm (UTC)The guilt might be the worst. I want you to know: it's okay to be afraid, it's okay to be not alright. It's not your fault--it's theirs. It's not your fault if you need to hide for a while. It's okay if all the pressures are too much and you just need to drop some in order to deal with the others. It's okay if you need to keep yourself safe.
And you haven't failed your friends. You do deserve us. People don't accumulate this many friends by not deserving them. We give because we can, because right now when you need strength, we have it to spare. And if what you need is for us to wait for you, then that's okay too, and we can do that. You're not asking too much of us; this isn't more than we can handle.
So do what you need to, in your own time, and I hope you can shed the guilt. You'll be in my prayers.
no subject
Date: 2009-03-31 02:54 am (UTC)... I don't know what to say to you. I keep typing here and wondering what I can say to make it better. But everything sounds trite, or someone else has said it better then I ever could.
You deserve us and deserve all the happiness in the world that one person could hold. I'm sorry and I hate the world for trying to take that away.
*hugs*
no subject
Date: 2009-04-02 07:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-05-18 02:25 am (UTC)Let me give you a bit of background insight to why this did move me.
When I was fifteen, I was involved in a very topsy-turvy relationship with a man 10 years older than me, and married. I went into it understanding completely that we both just needed an outlet for all of our emotions (considering I've been the emotional head-of-household for me and my mother, even through all the boyfriends and two marriages), and while there was never anything statutory involved, there very well could have been, and very well almost was.
However, half a year before I turned 17, my best friend and girlfriend of 6 years decided to listen to her brand new boyfriend. Decided to drop me on my ass and never talk to me again just because he didn't like me. He'd been threatening to assault and/or rape me, but I never put up with it. I was trained in martial arts and he was a very overweight high school student. But, he had emotional leverage over the one person in my life that meant the world to me.
I started healing, slowly, about a month later. I met a girl, and she and I were going to date at the start of the next school year. I was beginning to become happy again
6 months later, on my birthday, I let go of the 27 year old married man whom I had a relationship with. Then I realized that, instead of it being mostly physical, like I had led myself to believe, he was really in love with me. More than he loved his wife. I couldn't do it, I couldn't have a full-grown man following me around like a puppy dog. So, I broke it off, but still to this day we're friends.
Then, a month later, I found out that the girl I was going to be dating had committed suicide. I was crushed, didn't come out of my room for a week, but my online roleplay partner, of all people, managed to convince me to start seeing my friends again. Things were going well for a little while.
Then, almost a full year after me splitting with my former best friend I had my first ever fight with my parents. Slapping and all. They called Juvy even, but at the last minute decided that we could work through this. And we mostly did.
*
But, I realize that that doesn't "qualify" me to talk to you, since what you've been through is far more traumatizing than what I've faced, but I will tell you this: the people that you do have with you, even if just online, hang on to them, cherish them as you have.
And though emotions may not be easy, I have found that screaming if one's frustrated, grabbing a pillow and beating the stuffing out of it (though not really, I've never had one lose its stuffings) even if you don't seem to feel mad enough to do so, or watching one of those good-feely movies that make you cry really does help things. But, whatever you do, don't turn on yourself. Do whatever is nessisary for you and only you to keep on tugging along.
I know you may not know me, but if you need someone to talk to, I'm willing to listen. I've found helping others with their needs helps me with my own, so I'm more than willing to lend a shoulder, even if it's digitally.
no subject
Date: 2009-11-20 11:30 pm (UTC)You have so many people on livejournal that are willing to listen to anything you have to say, including me. I've never met you, but this really struck a chord in me. I honestly hope that your healing process goes smoothly and swiftly!
If you need someone to talk to that won't judge, or just a shoulder to lean on, I am definitely willing to help, or at least try to help. =) I hope things go well for you!