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[luco]

I'm home from the hospital. Actually I've been home for a little over a week, but re-adjusting to the world outside those four walls has been difficult to say the least.

Yeah, I was locked up.

And for good reason. I wasn't safe on my own and I knew that clearly enough that I signed the form saying they would keep me there until I was deemed as safe as I could be. It was not a fun experience, but some good came out of it.

Remember how I've always told you I'm bi-polar? And we know that there is PTSD now as well? Well, there is another disorder, one that has been with me since I was little. One I didn't want to admit to and did my best to pretend it didn't exist.

And it now has a name.

Border-line Personality Disorder. If you want to know more about it, you can read the properly-termed stuff here and many of you who have known me for quite a few years may be relieved to finally understand why it is I do and act the way I do. To be diagnosed with it, you have to have at least 5 out of the 9 symptoms. I have 8, anger being the only one not present and that actually worries the doctors.

If I hadn't been under a 24 hr watch for three weeks, they might not have caught it, but dad's death and me losing my home (because the executor took advantage of me being in the hospital and ransacked my place...but I can't properly think about that just yet) boosted it up to a level where it was clearly noticeable.

And I'm torn over it.

On one hand I'm relieved to now know why I've been in councelling since being a child, but on the other hand, all those times I would lose myself in stories, that I heard voices I wanted to simply be my imagination, the days where I dream myself only as a male, the loss, the detachment...everything that I thought wasn't real...is actually real.

But only to me.

The doctor said it's a coping mechanisim. One that my mind has put in place and won't let go. He said it's life-long.

They also said that is why art is now such a big focus in my life. It's a way to ground myself, to get the stories out of my head, but at the same time I have to be careful that I don't lose myself with them as they come out.

But I'm getting help now. They are helping me get assualt therapy. They are helping me get councelling for the abortion and dad's death and once all that is manageable, then they can start helping me deal with my own mind....

And the whole time I was in there, you know what I though about?

You guys.

Not just my f-list, but the people who follow this journal simply because there are few ways to actually keep in touch with me.

I hope this helps all of you...

But can I ask for some help?

My cell # is 705-718-0200 I don't have any money on it to receive calls, but I think I can still receive texts(just can't answer them) If not my home number is 705-726-9545 and while I can't talk long, just a quick hi and hearing about something real helps me.

Or even an email. (art.luco@gmail.com)

Hearing about something silly and real, or just anything that has happened out there is helping keep me grounded. My younger brother has been doing this with me and it seems to be working. Otherwise, I just get too lost in my own head. And well, since stuff from Toronto is now in Barrie, I'm sitting in the space down in the basement that is slowly becoming my mini studio and it's odd to my head.

One home and another are shifting and mixing and I'm seeing things side by side that don't go that way in my head. Smells are mixed up, sights are mingling...

...and I keep picking up the phone to call dad.

But right now, I'm going to try and focus on my art. I will contact people to see if they are still interested in statues and there will be a massive half-price sale on my art ((simply because I do and will need the money to deal with a LOT of things)) and I need to get together a lot of good art for Darkover as well as put together a gallery website...

Actually, all I really want to do is just crawl back into bed. But on doctor's orders, I'm not allowed...

So, now you know I'm back and now, maybe you'll understand me a bit better....especially you guys Merr, Kate, Mark and so many others.....

Comments

[devlinnreiko.livejournal.com]

*hugs* So good to see you here again. Reading this, I can't even imagine this and I think that it's amazing to see you pulling through. Glad that you say you're finally getting help. ^_______^ *HUGS*

Quick question, do you have a mailing address? I'm assuming the other one isn't going to be any good now.

[floranna.livejournal.com]

*Hugs* I was getting really worried about you.

In my peronal experience, I have found out that correct diagnoses for mental problems have an ability to truly ease things out and help even you.

I wish I could call you, but living in Finland... Yeah. And I am not even sure that if I would call, which one of us would pay the bill...

*Hugs* My thoughts are with you.

[luco-millian.livejournal.com]

A. Ronayne
205 Kozlov St. Apt. 47
Barrie, Ontario
L4N 7S3

I'm pretty sure that's it. And believe me, it's good to be back.

[luco-millian.livejournal.com]

I'm sure once I've wrapped my mind around it and dealt with other immediate issues I'll feel better but right now, it's all a little too much, but thanks. Thoughts mean just as much to me.

[dragon5174.livejournal.com]

**HUGS** So glad your OK, I've missed you. Remember to take it one day at a time.

[yukinoomoni.livejournal.com]

Texting you would be easy, since you're still within the country - for me it would be free. I can definitely do that, if you'd like.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. You really do not deserve any of this. If there is anything I ca do - write a fic, write you a letter, text you silly things, anything like that - let me know.

[wanderingdreamr.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I've only started following you recently so I don't have much to say but I did start because I loved what I saw of your art. So I'm looking forward to the art sale and hope that everything starts going better for you now.

[arathe.livejournal.com]

*EPIC INTERNET HUGS OF EPIC*

I only just started following you while you were gone, I think, so uh, hi? I'm sorry to hear you're going through so much all at once, but I'm glad you're getting help. *more hugs*

Since I don't own a cell (Dark ages, I know, I know) and can't offer silly texts, I offer fanworks instead! I can do fic, fanvids, or art (although I'm at the shallow end of the skill pool on that last one, so choose at your own risk. ;D).

Just leave me any of the following:

Fic - Any pairing and/or prompt
Fanvid - A song and/or theme
Art - Whatever you'd like

And it will be done! ♥

*even more hugs, because you can't have too many*

[teahound.livejournal.com]

I dunno if my text will go through, since I'm in the US. But I'm glad you're back and at least know what's wrong and how to cope with it. <3

[ningen-demonai.livejournal.com]

I'm glad that you're getting help and I pray that things will get better for you. ♥

[kurenai-tenka.livejournal.com]

*Hugs*!

[brown-bess.livejournal.com]

Help is good. I wish you all the best.

[white_aster]

I was wondering how you were. Correct diagnoses are so important, really. I'm glad that things are becoming clearer, in some ways, for you. My thoughts are always with you, and after so many trials I really, really pray that you're coming to the light at the end of the tunnel. You're a phoenix, hon, and you'll rise from the ashes anew. :hugs:

[onikotsu.livejournal.com]

*snuggles* I wish I had something better to say than I'm so sorry all of this has to happen to you, that you're one of the strongest people I know for managing through this all, and that I love you. No matter what, I don't need a reason for why you act the way you do, though I'm glad you do since its best to know your own head, I love you and for that reason I accept every part of you darling *hugs* I'm happy your getting the help you need. If you need anything I can do just tell me. *hugs* I love you.

[chofi.livejournal.com]

I'm here hoping for the best for you. You deserve it.

[ripfangdragon.livejournal.com]

I don't comment often, but I do follow your journals and we've met a few times (I'm sure you remember). I'll be more than happy to be an online penpal with you, Luco. I'll send you an email sometime tomorrow or Friday. :)

[tachyon-telos.livejournal.com]

Dunno if my text will go through since I'm in the US but I'm up for trying if you're up for receiving! I'll also try your home phone once things die down and I figure out who will be getting charges. Don't want to rack up charges on your end and all. o_0;

I sent you a package from Wilmington, NC. Give me a heads up on if it gets there okay and you can look forward to tons of trinkets trickling in. I love writing letters and sending things via snail/air mail. Email counts too.

It's so good to see something posted from you, Luco. ♥ I agree with all the people in that you don't need to explain yourself to me. You're getting the help you need and that's all that matters.

Lurker Who Cares

[(Anonymous)]

I'm sorry for your loss(es?), happy that you're better, and apologize for not being brave enough to write you prior to such a tumultuous time in your life. While I haven't lost a parent, I have lost three close relatives within a short period of time (two grandparents and an aunt), and can sort of understand how heart-wrenching it is to lose someone you've known all your life. However, losing a father would likely feel much worse, and I send you my sadness for his loss.
I've followed your journal quietly through many years. I adore your artwork, and can't really remember what fandom I first started looking at your sites for. Your artwork is always fantastic and playful. It cheers me up when I'm down. Your comics can be funny and there are a few that no matter what mood I'm in, they will always make me burst out laughing. You, among a few others, have gotten me into so many fandoms that I wasn't even sure I'd like. I thank you for that. Among those I've been convinced to try are Avatar: the Last Airbender, Kingdom Hearts, and Final Fantasy VII. Your fanfics are also fun to read, and some of them I wish could continue, but completely understand if the muses never give you stuff for the old fics, as long as they give you ideas that are as fun as what you have.
Thankyou for all of your work, you are a blessing and a brilliant artist.

[ahja-reyn.livejournal.com]

:( I'm so so sorry to hear all of this.

Unfortunately, my phone doesn't do international texts, but I'm gonna try anyways, and if that's a local number, it should go through.

To keep yourself happy and grounded, maybe read the latest chapter of One Piece? It was just released this morning...

*hug*

[starr-bryte.livejournal.com]

...You are gonna get so much love, you have no idea.

It may be a deep dark place you're in right now, but don't worry. We've got lanterns, gummi bears, spoons and blankets.

The blankets can double as rope and the spoons can double as shovels. We're with you. Now and always. Never give up. Take each day as it comes, do what you can and remember to take a moment to breath.

We've got your back.

[ukiiukii.livejournal.com]

*pounces* Yay you're back!

I've been forcing myself not to try and bother you until you were back on here, seems like that was a good idea after all.

But I'm really, really, really glad that you're getting help for everything <3

Once I get job stuff sorted out would you be opposed to me coming down to visit at some point before it gets too cold?

[luco-millian.livejournal.com]

Yup, back I am! And you made a good choice. Trying to gte me otherwise would have been pretty impossible...

And you should know I would adore seeing you!

[ukiiukii.livejournal.com]

Yes! And now I have accurate phone numbers and can harass you frequently (and by that I mean constantly) :D

Once I get my finances sorted out I'll touch base with you. I could come down for a weekend sometime if that works? Wish I had a car haha