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lucoI'm home from the hospital. Actually I've been home for a little over a week, but re-adjusting to the world outside those four walls has been difficult to say the least.
Yeah, I was locked up.
And for good reason. I wasn't safe on my own and I knew that clearly enough that I signed the form saying they would keep me there until I was deemed as safe as I could be. It was not a fun experience, but some good came out of it.
Remember how I've always told you I'm bi-polar? And we know that there is PTSD now as well? Well, there is another disorder, one that has been with me since I was little. One I didn't want to admit to and did my best to pretend it didn't exist.
And it now has a name.
Border-line Personality Disorder. If you want to know more about it, you can read the properly-termed stuff here and many of you who have known me for quite a few years may be relieved to finally understand why it is I do and act the way I do. To be diagnosed with it, you have to have at least 5 out of the 9 symptoms. I have 8, anger being the only one not present and that actually worries the doctors.
If I hadn't been under a 24 hr watch for three weeks, they might not have caught it, but dad's death and me losing my home (because the executor took advantage of me being in the hospital and ransacked my place...but I can't properly think about that just yet) boosted it up to a level where it was clearly noticeable.
And I'm torn over it.
On one hand I'm relieved to now know why I've been in councelling since being a child, but on the other hand, all those times I would lose myself in stories, that I heard voices I wanted to simply be my imagination, the days where I dream myself only as a male, the loss, the detachment...everything that I thought wasn't real...is actually real.
But only to me.
The doctor said it's a coping mechanisim. One that my mind has put in place and won't let go. He said it's life-long.
They also said that is why art is now such a big focus in my life. It's a way to ground myself, to get the stories out of my head, but at the same time I have to be careful that I don't lose myself with them as they come out.
But I'm getting help now. They are helping me get assualt therapy. They are helping me get councelling for the abortion and dad's death and once all that is manageable, then they can start helping me deal with my own mind....
And the whole time I was in there, you know what I though about?
You guys.
Not just my f-list, but the people who follow this journal simply because there are few ways to actually keep in touch with me.
I hope this helps all of you...
But can I ask for some help?
My cell # is 705-718-0200 I don't have any money on it to receive calls, but I think I can still receive texts(just can't answer them) If not my home number is 705-726-9545 and while I can't talk long, just a quick hi and hearing about something real helps me.
Or even an email. (art.luco@gmail.com)
Hearing about something silly and real, or just anything that has happened out there is helping keep me grounded. My younger brother has been doing this with me and it seems to be working. Otherwise, I just get too lost in my own head. And well, since stuff from Toronto is now in Barrie, I'm sitting in the space down in the basement that is slowly becoming my mini studio and it's odd to my head.
One home and another are shifting and mixing and I'm seeing things side by side that don't go that way in my head. Smells are mixed up, sights are mingling...
...and I keep picking up the phone to call dad.
But right now, I'm going to try and focus on my art. I will contact people to see if they are still interested in statues and there will be a massive half-price sale on my art ((simply because I do and will need the money to deal with a LOT of things)) and I need to get together a lot of good art for Darkover as well as put together a gallery website...
Actually, all I really want to do is just crawl back into bed. But on doctor's orders, I'm not allowed...
So, now you know I'm back and now, maybe you'll understand me a bit better....especially you guys Merr, Kate, Mark and so many others.....
Yeah, I was locked up.
And for good reason. I wasn't safe on my own and I knew that clearly enough that I signed the form saying they would keep me there until I was deemed as safe as I could be. It was not a fun experience, but some good came out of it.
Remember how I've always told you I'm bi-polar? And we know that there is PTSD now as well? Well, there is another disorder, one that has been with me since I was little. One I didn't want to admit to and did my best to pretend it didn't exist.
And it now has a name.
Border-line Personality Disorder. If you want to know more about it, you can read the properly-termed stuff here and many of you who have known me for quite a few years may be relieved to finally understand why it is I do and act the way I do. To be diagnosed with it, you have to have at least 5 out of the 9 symptoms. I have 8, anger being the only one not present and that actually worries the doctors.
If I hadn't been under a 24 hr watch for three weeks, they might not have caught it, but dad's death and me losing my home (because the executor took advantage of me being in the hospital and ransacked my place...but I can't properly think about that just yet) boosted it up to a level where it was clearly noticeable.
And I'm torn over it.
On one hand I'm relieved to now know why I've been in councelling since being a child, but on the other hand, all those times I would lose myself in stories, that I heard voices I wanted to simply be my imagination, the days where I dream myself only as a male, the loss, the detachment...everything that I thought wasn't real...is actually real.
But only to me.
The doctor said it's a coping mechanisim. One that my mind has put in place and won't let go. He said it's life-long.
They also said that is why art is now such a big focus in my life. It's a way to ground myself, to get the stories out of my head, but at the same time I have to be careful that I don't lose myself with them as they come out.
But I'm getting help now. They are helping me get assualt therapy. They are helping me get councelling for the abortion and dad's death and once all that is manageable, then they can start helping me deal with my own mind....
And the whole time I was in there, you know what I though about?
You guys.
Not just my f-list, but the people who follow this journal simply because there are few ways to actually keep in touch with me.
I hope this helps all of you...
But can I ask for some help?
My cell # is 705-718-0200 I don't have any money on it to receive calls, but I think I can still receive texts(just can't answer them) If not my home number is 705-726-9545 and while I can't talk long, just a quick hi and hearing about something real helps me.
Or even an email. (art.luco@gmail.com)
Hearing about something silly and real, or just anything that has happened out there is helping keep me grounded. My younger brother has been doing this with me and it seems to be working. Otherwise, I just get too lost in my own head. And well, since stuff from Toronto is now in Barrie, I'm sitting in the space down in the basement that is slowly becoming my mini studio and it's odd to my head.
One home and another are shifting and mixing and I'm seeing things side by side that don't go that way in my head. Smells are mixed up, sights are mingling...
...and I keep picking up the phone to call dad.
But right now, I'm going to try and focus on my art. I will contact people to see if they are still interested in statues and there will be a massive half-price sale on my art ((simply because I do and will need the money to deal with a LOT of things)) and I need to get together a lot of good art for Darkover as well as put together a gallery website...
Actually, all I really want to do is just crawl back into bed. But on doctor's orders, I'm not allowed...
So, now you know I'm back and now, maybe you'll understand me a bit better....especially you guys Merr, Kate, Mark and so many others.....
no subject
Date: 2010-09-30 12:47 am (UTC)