(no subject)

[luco]

...but if I go to bed with all of this still in my head it will not be good for anyone.

I'm sorry okay. I'm sorry that I can't get the art you wanted done. I'm sorry that I ended up in the hospital. I'm sorry that so many things SEEM to happen that you no longer believe me when I say what has caused the delay! But why? Why go around and tell everyone that I'm horrible? Why discredit me on paypal and DA and anywhere else you can?

You wanted the money? Fine! But seriously, it's hard enough to build up a reputation! It's hard and yes I admit I am not the most reliable and yes people do have to keep badgering me to keep me on track and yes my interests jump around a lot but I cannot help that at this time!

What do you WANT?! You can NOT expect an artist or a writer or a musician to simply be able to do something on command and put their heart into it! We're humans not machines! And each person is different! And don't give me that it can be solved if I just stay on my medication. Maybe the bi-polar can be leveled out and maybe the depression can be brought back up with medication because they are chemical imbalances, but those chemical imbalances are also what allows me to create the way I do!

You can't have both!! You can't have me an emotionally stable zombie AND an artist!! I'm TRYING!!! I really am! I'm trying to make a living I'm trying to be more stable and I'm trying to be dependable!!

But that's just for one part of the problem. The other problem is indeed me. BPD is not a chemical imbalance. It's a behavior, a coping mechanism! It's part of me, it's how I think how I live and I KNOW it's messed up. Don't think I don't. I know that I cannot associate properly. I know I obsess over things and people. I know I expect too much and can be manipulative and that I can't look in the mirror at night.

I know that the way I talk and act changes with my obsession at the time. That my haircut, clothing choice, words and stance are are reflective of whatever character I chose to model myself off of at the time. This is how I've always been and I'm trying to figure out how other people manage but I can't. I can't see me, i can't cope with just me.

My skin feels too tight, it's too hard to breathe, every emotion is an overload no matter how small it is and all I'm left with is what has always worked. Make-up someone else. They can deal with it. I'm useless and nothing. I'm not strong enough. If I try to face it my skin gets sliced open. If I try I watch people grow scared. I can't fight back, I can't say no I can't scream out and I don't know why.

I don't know how I became like this and now that it's been pointed out, now that I'm being forced to confront it I'm sick.

But I do know that I live off my art.

People offline always wonder why I'll spend all my time here, wanting to do prompts, wanting to do fanart to do stuff to please. It's because it's a way to live, a way to feel I'm worth something. I sit here and draw and draw, not always what I'm suppose to be doing, but what others want me to do because it's who I am here and here is safe. It's tiring, but it's safe and just knowing that someone out there sees it and likes it is enough to keep me centered. It's a way of showing a bit of myself without having to be connected to it. It's a way to explore the things that terrify me, to get rid of the stories and characters in my head. It allows me to use others to empty myself to deal with what I can't.

And no one has to see if I'm crying or in pain. No one has to see if there are bandages covering my skin or bruises across my arms.

No one can point a finger.

And yes. I know that it's sometimes wrong and yes I do need to get myself together. I know buisness-wise I am a nightmare for anyone to work with...but this is all I've got. I don't have the focus for office work, I don't have the coping skills for full-time people work. My allergy keeps me away from most places and it's so very hard to find someone willing to give me a chance and work with me.

I want to have an income. I want to be able to be indepandent. I want to take care of Puku and myself and I want to be able to do that through art. But can I at this moment? No. Because I can't focus. I can't do it and deal with dad's death. I can't do it and have to worry about lawyers, and my councelling and my Behavioural training and taking care of the home and watching Lee fade away and trying to have a boyfriend and trying to get on the proper disability services.

It's hard! It's not just something you can stop! Over 20 years of my life have been spent this way, so why does everyone expect me to change so quickly? Why can't I have a moment to catch my breath. And why not ask me if I'm ready? I'm scared. I'm terrified. What if the BPD is what is letting me be an artist? What if when the voices and thoughts go away there are no inspirations left? Why do I have to give up my imagination? Why do I have to be me when I consider me to be a stranger?

Why do I need pills to sleep at night? Why am I no longer allowed to dream because of them? Why do people notice now and not when I was younger? Why start caring when I've stopped?

I'm just tired and sick and frustrated and nothing has gone right today, from me waking up and having paypal contacting me, to having my headphones destroyed....

I wish I could be solved with a pill.

I also seriously just want a hug.

I want someplace safe.

I want someplace warm.

I want...to not be tired anymore.

Comments

[dark-puck.livejournal.com]

*sends hugs*

I'm sorry that all of this is going down, babe. Please -- if there's anything I can do for you, let me know.

[wanderingdreamr.livejournal.com]

*hugs* If you sent them the money back and explained the situation (hell, would you make up all these entries to fool ONE person) then they are completely out of line. I really hope this doesn't hurt you in the short or long run, please know that tons of us love your art and know that life gets in the way and don't mind at all!

[beckyh2112.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry, darling.

There's part of me that wants to say if the emotional stabilizers are making you a zombie, you need a different drug-cocktail. But God knows I've got no room to talk about mental health medications, since I've actively avoided all attempts to give them to me.

Keep trying. One step at a time, one day at a time. Some days will be better than others.

[metalkatt.livejournal.com]

No, you're right. My sister and I, who both have chronic depression, took awhile to get what worked for us. The first medication my sister tried left her a zombie, in a nearly literal sense. She had no interest in anything, would barely get up off the sofa, and just wanted to sleep. The first medication I tried gave me BPD symptoms. Now she's on Paxil, and I'm on Zoloft, and we're both very happy with it.

My meds don't make me a zombie, they keep me stable. They don't take away my creativity; they enable me to harness it, use it. I co-wrote a novel-sized fic with a friend in six months (which counts all the editing, betaing, and so forth). I write for my creative writing class, and I do just fine. I dream (sometimes too much), I write, I read, I think and create.

When I'm *off* the medications, I turn into a confused, muzzy-headed, murderous banshee. Never again will I go off if I can help it. But definitely; medications don't always work the first time around. Sometimes it takes some jostling. I've been on Prozac, Wellbutrin... and half a dozen others, until we tried the Zoloft, and that finally worked.

When your mind's a little more stable, it's easier to sleep, it's easier to breathe, and it's easier to feel confident.

[metalkatt.livejournal.com]

I don't have BPD, just CDD, so while I don't understand the manic, I understand the intensity and the crash--oh, yes, the crash. And your mind racing so fast that everything blurs together, and it's just noise, noise, noise.

It sucks. But, you can get through it. It's hard--very hard. But, it can be done. I'm sure you can do it.

[suzukiblu.livejournal.com]

All I can really say is that I get it. I felt like that for a really long time, and I was really angry and sad about it and really frustrated with myself and everyone who both was and wasn't trying to help and all I wanted was someone to tell me "okay this is the problem and this magic thing will fix it" and have it work. And I still feel like that every now and then, too.

Generally speaking, though, I'm better. I found a warm place and a realer me, even if it's a little more dangerous than the old me, and I'm not always tired. I'm still not all the way to where I want to be, but I work in a lot of ways I couldn't before and it hasn't killed my art or my writing--I'm doing a lot better with both, in fact, and making a lot more progress with the kind of stuff I could support myself on.

I just want you to know that less than a year ago I felt exactly how you feel right now, and I'm okay. It's hard and it's sad and it's a little awful along the way, but you can get to okay too.

[destinee-carols.livejournal.com]

Oh hun. I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through, but please, don't give up. I believe in you. We believe in you.

Let us know how we can help you. :/

/hug

[dracontia.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I wish I could give you some hot chocolate right now......

[floranna.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I wish I had an ability to make things a bit better for you.

[onikotsu.livejournal.com]

*cuddles* I love you darling, I believe you and I don't expect you to change fast, or change at all if that's what you want. I want life to go easier for you and I'm sorry I can't help you. I'm really sorry. *snuggles*

[dragon5174.livejournal.com]

The problem with most people are that they are just plain ignorant.

NO ONE IS PERFECT!! And to demand perfection is unrealistic. I don't have BPD or bi-polar but I have suffered from depression, I can't even begin to imagine what you go thru every day. My heart aches for you, its never easy to have a medical condition that interferes with your life.

I know this because 3 years ago my son was diagnosed with PDD-NOS; a high functioning autism. And the hardest part of it is the people who come in contact with him. He tries so hard every day and gets verbally beat on by his peers constantly. He's only 10 years old and its ridiculous how people will look at him. It hasn't been easy and I've had to fight to not be depressed or angry at others and it is HARD.

The worst part of human nature is the way we quickly judge or lash out at others for little to no reason. To degrade or bash someone who is different in any way. Try to ignore those that are too caught up in their own ignorance to actually look at the world around them and see that there is so much more out there than just themselves. Take each day as comes; one at a time.

The best thing I've been told by one of my son's doctors was: 'Remember that every day is brand new and you can start from scratch with no mistakes.' This has been probably the best 'medicine' that he or myself could have been given. He knows that now matter what mistakes he's made that day, big or small, that the next day is a new day with no mistakes. Remember that even thought most of us aren't there to actually hug you, you are in are thoughts.

[xtwilightzx.livejournal.com]

*big hugs* I really hope that things will start going right for you soon.

[yukinoomoni.livejournal.com]

This sucks. You don't deserve this. I hate people like this, people with a vendetta, who feel as if the world is about them, and that other people don't have lives, too.

*many gentle hugs*

[cleflink.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Not a situation that I have been in myself, but trust me when I say there are people who love you through all of it and that, no matter how long it takes to find your even keel, that's not going to change. We're all rooting for you, darling, and you're definitely in our thoughts.

[mewsrissicat.livejournal.com]

((hug))

There are always people out there who are completely self-centered, and who will feel like if you don't do what they want ZOMG-NOW, that it is in some way a personal affront to them, a deadly insult. If money is involved, it only increases their sense of entitlement.

Take a deep breath and do whatever it takes to get them out of your life (money, apologies or whatever) and never accept their custom again.

Now remember that there are 2 and 3 times that number of people who love and support you, and will both wait patiently, nudge you gently, and generally cheer you on. We're the ones who will be there still, when you get this back under control. Okay?

((hug))

[erinlin.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time right now. *hugs you*

I don't know if it helps to hear this, but we're pulling out the Christmas decorations at my house and I just unpacked the One Piece Christmas buttons I bought from you last year. I'm going to pin then on a red ribbon and hang them in the living room. They're beautiful and I'm glad I have them.

[mogumogu.livejournal.com]

The market only wants machine-people. Don't ever let it decide what your self-worth is, or what you "should" be doing. You're human, and it's a machine.

[ukiiukii.livejournal.com]

INTERNET HUGS

I wish I could give you a real one.

Take your time to feel better, screw what everyone else wants from you.

There are a lot of people who love you and we're here for you no matter what.

<3

[white_aster]

Don't listen to anyone who doesn't understand what you're going through, hon. You just need to take care of you. Art is a customer service gig, and anyone in customer service gets their share of snippy customers. All you can do is do your best. :hugs:

[fieryredqueen.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I understand not wanting to be on medication because of art. My art is shit when my equilibrium is balanced. It's a trade-off. I hope your reputation is not seriously impugned because of one asshole.

[graymom6.livejournal.com]

*hugs* pet bunny, make feel better. (cat's mom)

[ningen-demonai.livejournal.com]

*Huggles to self* :(