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lucoIt seems once again I'm back stuck on a subject I wish to never really think about. About all that's expected of me and that I don't wish to live up too.
I know I've disappointed alot of people, especially when i dropped out of High School, but when i try to explain why, they don't listen. I didn't just leave because I was lazy or not interested...I really wanted to go, but I couldn't.
I was scared of walking into a classroom. Terrified everyday that I had to walk those halls and feel people all around me. Sounds silly I know, but it was there, this fear, this panic and it controlled me. I didn't want to be there, where all these people were watching you, judging you, where you felt alone even when surrounded by friends. But i guess the friend part was understandable.
They were always worried whether or not I would be in an abulance again, going off to the hospital, or worse....that no one got there in time.
See most people don't realize it, but in Grade 10 alone I tried to kill myself at least 20 times...not with a knife, or drugs...or anything like that.
But by eating a chocolate bar. To someone with a severe nut allergy this was my death sentance. And it was done in a way that if I did succeed than people could call it an accident, unfourtunate, yes, but not something that they could have helped with.
They wouldn't sit there and know how much I hurt inside, they would never blame themselves and that's what I wanted. i wanted out of the lives of those who sat there and watched me fall apart, the ones who held me together at the expense of their own time and lives.
I felt they didn't deserve to have to play this watch dog role they gave themselves. But they did and they are probably the reason I'm alive, they're the ones who led me to class, who helped me hide from the rest of the world, who chased me down when I wanted to runa nd who held me when I refused to cry.
But they couldn't help my fear.
And somedays they became what I feared and that hurt the worse. Try dealng with this and concentrating on school work, try talking out in a classroom where all you want to do is hide. Try to stay in the same world as everyone else when your mind refuses, lost in it's own stories and songs.
I tried, and failed. I couldn't keep going to school and then coming home to a place that was often worse than school.
I place where a mother would refuse to talk to you, one who gave you high dosage painkillers to put you in a good mood so that everyone wouldn't see her as a bad mother with a depressed daughter.
A place where i was scared of my own brother, where the walls felt like they were a cage and dreams haunted me even when i was awake.
So I was often outside, at friends' houses or just walking, somtimes at midnight since I didn't want to go home.
I would always walk where there were the least amount of people, happy if I saw no one but myself, and the only people who seemed to care where the parents of friends and often strangers who didn't like the idea of a young girl wandering around.
It always seemed like I had a death wish, but everytime I nearly ran into trouble I would be brought back.
An old lady offering me a cup of coffee on a porch as i was walking by.
A Santa in the mall who let me cry.
A child who asked for the chocolate I held in my hand and then wanted me, to play with them on the swings.
The dog who sat beside me by the water.
The man who told me to smile.
And so many others....I owe all of them more than I can ever tell.
they kept me alive until I could get here, living with my dad, but even this is turning out wrong, I have th scars on my arm to prove it.
But I want to get better, I want to move on and everyone seems to tell me that I have to go to college now. I want to go to Sheridan and have all the forms on the floor beside me, but I'm terrified.
That I'll fail again. That everything is going to take a turn for the worse in a place where I'll be surrounded by strangers.
But I need to do this also.
To prove to myself that I'm worth something, that I can become someone.
Funny who all this was triggered by a post about Labels on fanfiction....
I need a pepsi.
I know I've disappointed alot of people, especially when i dropped out of High School, but when i try to explain why, they don't listen. I didn't just leave because I was lazy or not interested...I really wanted to go, but I couldn't.
I was scared of walking into a classroom. Terrified everyday that I had to walk those halls and feel people all around me. Sounds silly I know, but it was there, this fear, this panic and it controlled me. I didn't want to be there, where all these people were watching you, judging you, where you felt alone even when surrounded by friends. But i guess the friend part was understandable.
They were always worried whether or not I would be in an abulance again, going off to the hospital, or worse....that no one got there in time.
See most people don't realize it, but in Grade 10 alone I tried to kill myself at least 20 times...not with a knife, or drugs...or anything like that.
But by eating a chocolate bar. To someone with a severe nut allergy this was my death sentance. And it was done in a way that if I did succeed than people could call it an accident, unfourtunate, yes, but not something that they could have helped with.
They wouldn't sit there and know how much I hurt inside, they would never blame themselves and that's what I wanted. i wanted out of the lives of those who sat there and watched me fall apart, the ones who held me together at the expense of their own time and lives.
I felt they didn't deserve to have to play this watch dog role they gave themselves. But they did and they are probably the reason I'm alive, they're the ones who led me to class, who helped me hide from the rest of the world, who chased me down when I wanted to runa nd who held me when I refused to cry.
But they couldn't help my fear.
And somedays they became what I feared and that hurt the worse. Try dealng with this and concentrating on school work, try talking out in a classroom where all you want to do is hide. Try to stay in the same world as everyone else when your mind refuses, lost in it's own stories and songs.
I tried, and failed. I couldn't keep going to school and then coming home to a place that was often worse than school.
I place where a mother would refuse to talk to you, one who gave you high dosage painkillers to put you in a good mood so that everyone wouldn't see her as a bad mother with a depressed daughter.
A place where i was scared of my own brother, where the walls felt like they were a cage and dreams haunted me even when i was awake.
So I was often outside, at friends' houses or just walking, somtimes at midnight since I didn't want to go home.
I would always walk where there were the least amount of people, happy if I saw no one but myself, and the only people who seemed to care where the parents of friends and often strangers who didn't like the idea of a young girl wandering around.
It always seemed like I had a death wish, but everytime I nearly ran into trouble I would be brought back.
An old lady offering me a cup of coffee on a porch as i was walking by.
A Santa in the mall who let me cry.
A child who asked for the chocolate I held in my hand and then wanted me, to play with them on the swings.
The dog who sat beside me by the water.
The man who told me to smile.
And so many others....I owe all of them more than I can ever tell.
they kept me alive until I could get here, living with my dad, but even this is turning out wrong, I have th scars on my arm to prove it.
But I want to get better, I want to move on and everyone seems to tell me that I have to go to college now. I want to go to Sheridan and have all the forms on the floor beside me, but I'm terrified.
That I'll fail again. That everything is going to take a turn for the worse in a place where I'll be surrounded by strangers.
But I need to do this also.
To prove to myself that I'm worth something, that I can become someone.
Funny who all this was triggered by a post about Labels on fanfiction....
I need a pepsi.
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no subject
Date: 2004-03-07 11:06 am (UTC)I love you!
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Date: 2004-03-07 03:18 pm (UTC)So a big "Awwwww" is in order...*snickers* I'm glad he doesn't know my live journal....
no subject
Date: 2004-03-07 06:53 pm (UTC)Awwww! xD I think that's absolutely adorable and I don't even know what they look like! You should snap a picture. *snerk*
no subject
Date: 2004-03-08 04:47 am (UTC)