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lucoHaven't been getting much sleep, and it shows. Or at least I'm sure it must since my neice and nephew told me they were worried about me.
Those two....
I have such mixed feelings about them.
On one hand I adore them more than anything, for everything they remind me of, for who they are. But at the same time it's the reason I want to hate them.
They are the children of my older brother...well Alyssa is for sure, Jay...we aren't sure but it's too late to even think about trying to find that truth, it would be too painful although I know it's going to come up eventually.
See, Jay is from my brother's girlfriend, his two youngest Alyssa and Brandon are from his wife, someone I can't find myself liking at all.
Being in that house causes me sadness, and anger. Seeing jay go out of control, and then getting yelled at or verbally abused. Seeing Alyssa manipulate the fact that Jay isn't her full brother and that her mommy will always love her more.
Seeing the new 2 year old grow up with this.
It's horrid watching them and yet sometimes, they remind me again why I love them, when the temper, manipulation and acts all come off, all fade away and they just sit there beside you, giving you hugs....
I have a whole box of things they have given me over the years, garbage to everyone else, but to me they're important, they show that there is hope for these three children. And I'll always hold on to that hope.
So, while I'm there, I'll smile, and listen as they cry or scream. I'll tuck them in, stay with them if they're afraid and will never yell or hit them.
It was sad when yesterday...after they told me they were worried, when Jay walked over and asked why I couldn't be his mommy.
I told him I wasn't the one who brought him here, but I would be there when he needed me. It seemed to make him feel better, even if it hurt me.
Sometimes I wish I could forget everything that's happened to me adn start over, but then....I probably wouldn't be able to draw, I would probably forget that there are some people out there who have supported me, even if they had to fight to get me to accept it.
It's just...I'm so tired right now...tired of everything, it's close to the point where you want to close your eyes and never wake up. And I just wish I could have a peaceful sleep, or sleep that lasted more than two hours...
I really miss the sun.
Those two....
I have such mixed feelings about them.
On one hand I adore them more than anything, for everything they remind me of, for who they are. But at the same time it's the reason I want to hate them.
They are the children of my older brother...well Alyssa is for sure, Jay...we aren't sure but it's too late to even think about trying to find that truth, it would be too painful although I know it's going to come up eventually.
See, Jay is from my brother's girlfriend, his two youngest Alyssa and Brandon are from his wife, someone I can't find myself liking at all.
Being in that house causes me sadness, and anger. Seeing jay go out of control, and then getting yelled at or verbally abused. Seeing Alyssa manipulate the fact that Jay isn't her full brother and that her mommy will always love her more.
Seeing the new 2 year old grow up with this.
It's horrid watching them and yet sometimes, they remind me again why I love them, when the temper, manipulation and acts all come off, all fade away and they just sit there beside you, giving you hugs....
I have a whole box of things they have given me over the years, garbage to everyone else, but to me they're important, they show that there is hope for these three children. And I'll always hold on to that hope.
So, while I'm there, I'll smile, and listen as they cry or scream. I'll tuck them in, stay with them if they're afraid and will never yell or hit them.
It was sad when yesterday...after they told me they were worried, when Jay walked over and asked why I couldn't be his mommy.
I told him I wasn't the one who brought him here, but I would be there when he needed me. It seemed to make him feel better, even if it hurt me.
Sometimes I wish I could forget everything that's happened to me adn start over, but then....I probably wouldn't be able to draw, I would probably forget that there are some people out there who have supported me, even if they had to fight to get me to accept it.
It's just...I'm so tired right now...tired of everything, it's close to the point where you want to close your eyes and never wake up. And I just wish I could have a peaceful sleep, or sleep that lasted more than two hours...
I really miss the sun.
