(no subject)
Apr. 16th, 2010 05:17 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lucoIt's difficult when your mind catches up with you.
A lot of the stories I've told, I could tell because that's what they were to me, stories.
Bad stories that happened to someone else. They were horrifying, but not real.
They're real now and I'm not sure how to deal with it.
On one hand, I want to curl up in a corner and cry. I wanna erase any chance that I may be found attractive and give up everything.
On the other, I wanna dress up and be pretty. I want people to look and I want to be held. But at the same time, I want to be hurt. I've been told that this is, sadly, a common response in victims, that they are trying to justify what happened to them by placing the blame on themselves, saying they asked for it so that they can feel like there was some sort of control in place. Even if it's the wrong type of control.
...
To be honest, I just want everything to go back to being stories.
A lot of the stories I've told, I could tell because that's what they were to me, stories.
Bad stories that happened to someone else. They were horrifying, but not real.
They're real now and I'm not sure how to deal with it.
On one hand, I want to curl up in a corner and cry. I wanna erase any chance that I may be found attractive and give up everything.
On the other, I wanna dress up and be pretty. I want people to look and I want to be held. But at the same time, I want to be hurt. I've been told that this is, sadly, a common response in victims, that they are trying to justify what happened to them by placing the blame on themselves, saying they asked for it so that they can feel like there was some sort of control in place. Even if it's the wrong type of control.
...
To be honest, I just want everything to go back to being stories.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2010-04-17 01:02 am (UTC)How you feel about yourself will see-saw: This is normal. Your emotions will be all over the place. This, too is normal. It's almost like you cannot find "normal" again, without exploring those ranges.
Remember that your friends love you, and accept their regard in the manner in which it is offered. Most people really ARE decent human beings, and can do extraordinary things if you don't shut them out.
they are trying to justify what happened to them
No, I'd say that we are trying to get some sense of "control" over what happened by putting the blame on ourselves. It's not fair, but then what happened isn't "fair". So it's easier to try and find some sort of inner cause that incited this atrocity, rather than admit that the world can spin so far out of our control. (This also explains why survivors end up such control freaks.)
Get therapy, if you can manage it. It took me 20-25 years to come to grips with my situation... but that was because of my tendency to keeping silent and not asking for help.