(no subject)

[luco]

It's difficult when your mind catches up with you.

A lot of the stories I've told, I could tell because that's what they were to me, stories.

Bad stories that happened to someone else. They were horrifying, but not real.

They're real now and I'm not sure how to deal with it.

On one hand, I want to curl up in a corner and cry. I wanna erase any chance that I may be found attractive and give up everything.

On the other, I wanna dress up and be pretty. I want people to look and I want to be held. But at the same time, I want to be hurt. I've been told that this is, sadly, a common response in victims, that they are trying to justify what happened to them by placing the blame on themselves, saying they asked for it so that they can feel like there was some sort of control in place. Even if it's the wrong type of control.

...

To be honest, I just want everything to go back to being stories.

Comments

[erinlin.livejournal.com]

You sound upset. Are you ok?

[rowzen.livejournal.com]

What happened?
Get it out of your head & into the light!

[cleflink.livejournal.com]

*hugs* *hugs* Not your fault. There are many people who love you and care about you who do not believe you deserve to be hurt - they know what they are talking about. And if it takes time for you to believe that yourself, well that's okay as long as you get there eventually. Which you will. I'm sure of it. *more hugs*

[genuinelie.livejournal.com]

*big hugs*

It's good you recognize what you do. It sounds like you've been through a lot, so don't feel like you have to rush anything. It'll just take time. So go easy on yourself.

*hugs again!*

[dark-puck.livejournal.com]

I honest-to-God don't know what to say.

I just want you to know that there are people here and offline that care about you. *hugs*

[teahound.livejournal.com]

I don't know what's wrong, but I hope you feel better... You deserve a great life.

[mewsrissicat.livejournal.com]

As someone who's been there some time ago, I can tell you a few things, if you don't mind:

How you feel about yourself will see-saw: This is normal. Your emotions will be all over the place. This, too is normal. It's almost like you cannot find "normal" again, without exploring those ranges.

Remember that your friends love you, and accept their regard in the manner in which it is offered. Most people really ARE decent human beings, and can do extraordinary things if you don't shut them out.

they are trying to justify what happened to them
No, I'd say that we are trying to get some sense of "control" over what happened by putting the blame on ourselves. It's not fair, but then what happened isn't "fair". So it's easier to try and find some sort of inner cause that incited this atrocity, rather than admit that the world can spin so far out of our control. (This also explains why survivors end up such control freaks.)

Get therapy, if you can manage it. It took me 20-25 years to come to grips with my situation... but that was because of my tendency to keeping silent and not asking for help.

[mogumogu.livejournal.com]

I know I can't understand what you're going though, but if you recognize what you're feeling, then you're a good step toward surviving, I guess.

[white_aster]

:hugs: I know it hurts, hon. And it is fine for you to feel this way. It is normal. Just realize that things WILL get better, and that to get there you need to not listen to the little voice that says "I deserve these bad things". You do not deserve those bad things. No one does. You deserve much, much better things, and the best thing you can do (besides the therapy that someone else mentioned, which I know might not be on the table right now, but to be honest, sometimes you can find it for free...through churches, through crisis hotlines, etc. Any place that deals with battered or abused women would probably have someone who could tell you if there is free counseling available nearby. Sometimes it's just a matter of asking. Anyway...) the best thing you can do is just...protect who you are NOW. If you can't quite put the bad stuff in the past behind you, at least hold your ground now and make sure that no more bad things happen in the present. Protect yourself.

You have so much going for you. You're young, you're talented, you're employed, and you have many, many people who care about you and don't want to see you hurt. THINGS WILL GET BETTER IF YOU LET THEM. Believe it.

:sends Chii to snuggle you:

[saying-sooth.livejournal.com]

Oh darling. -hug- I suppose it would be much easier if everything went back to being stories, but you're getting closer to actually coping with it now. One day, you're going to wake up and realize that you're beautiful and unstoppable and no incident can shape you as much as your own will. Until that day, there will be many nights filled with tears, self-doubt and depression, but you'll get through them. We're all here for you.

-hugs again-

[onikotsu.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Please don't hurt yourself or let others do it, you've already been hurt more than you deserve. You're not to blame at all, you're one of the most wonderful people I know please believe that. Don't give up, you can fight your way through this, I know you can. You don't need to dress up to be pretty because when you smile, even if it's a tired one, is more beautiful than anything. I'm sorry they can't remain just bad stories. Please remember I love you. *hugs* I love you so much.

[danatheleseus.livejournal.com]

You are a wonderful person and deserve to have good things and please don't believe otherwise. I don't know what you are going through, but I hope you come through it whole and stronger.

[yukinoomoni.livejournal.com]

*hugs hard*

[maderr.livejournal.com]

Luco,

Are you going to be at Darkover? I was going to the website this morning to sign up and stuff, cause I go every other year, and I about fell over when I realized I recognized the name of the guest artist.

[luco-millian.livejournal.com]

Yup! I was talked into being the Artist Guest of Honor this year ^^;