(no subject)

[luco]

It's difficult when your mind catches up with you.

A lot of the stories I've told, I could tell because that's what they were to me, stories.

Bad stories that happened to someone else. They were horrifying, but not real.

They're real now and I'm not sure how to deal with it.

On one hand, I want to curl up in a corner and cry. I wanna erase any chance that I may be found attractive and give up everything.

On the other, I wanna dress up and be pretty. I want people to look and I want to be held. But at the same time, I want to be hurt. I've been told that this is, sadly, a common response in victims, that they are trying to justify what happened to them by placing the blame on themselves, saying they asked for it so that they can feel like there was some sort of control in place. Even if it's the wrong type of control.

...

To be honest, I just want everything to go back to being stories.

Comments

[white_aster]

:hugs: I know it hurts, hon. And it is fine for you to feel this way. It is normal. Just realize that things WILL get better, and that to get there you need to not listen to the little voice that says "I deserve these bad things". You do not deserve those bad things. No one does. You deserve much, much better things, and the best thing you can do (besides the therapy that someone else mentioned, which I know might not be on the table right now, but to be honest, sometimes you can find it for free...through churches, through crisis hotlines, etc. Any place that deals with battered or abused women would probably have someone who could tell you if there is free counseling available nearby. Sometimes it's just a matter of asking. Anyway...) the best thing you can do is just...protect who you are NOW. If you can't quite put the bad stuff in the past behind you, at least hold your ground now and make sure that no more bad things happen in the present. Protect yourself.

You have so much going for you. You're young, you're talented, you're employed, and you have many, many people who care about you and don't want to see you hurt. THINGS WILL GET BETTER IF YOU LET THEM. Believe it.

:sends Chii to snuggle you: