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Feb. 22nd, 2011 01:36 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lucoThe damn bitch of an Executor has been trying to call. We had sent a letter to the lawyer she claimed she had used wanting an update on the status of my belongings and my father's estate.
It seems the lawyer was unaware that he was involved and mom's pretty sure Diane is now panicking. But, she is not a pleasant person. She is vicious and cruel and I know the harm she can do with both fists and words...
...AND she's still holding so many things that mean the world to me. My art, my portfolio, photos and statues and memories.
Just seeing her name show up on the phone made me sick. It was like a switch was thrown and I was back in August, back in that hallway and I know what's inside the door and I hear her yelling and I want to run in and protect everything, protect my father and our memories, but I can't make myself move. I can't make myself take the steps to open that door.
I don't want to see dad like that again.
And then, I hear her screaming and the door is open. She's laughing but nowhere in sight and everything is gone. I don't even have my father's ashes. I've failed. It's empty and people are staring at me. Accusing me.
I've been fighting back tears all morning. Have thrown up everything I've eaten and all I can hear are the voices in my head. Some are trying to be calm and comforting, but most are louder and sadistic. They tell in vivid details all the things I could do to Diane. All the wounds I could inflict, the parts of her body that I could tear out. They laugh as they talk and their ideas become more and more graphic. And at first, I agree with them then, I become horrified with myself that I could ever wish any of that on another living being.
And I've gotten so very close to pulling out a knife and this time it's not simply instinctive, this time I want it. I want to bleed. I want that rush. I want to punish myself and yet at the same time be brought back to reality. I'm fighting it, but there have been so many times today where I'll look down and my nails are digging into my skin, and I'm grinning as I do it. I've cut all my nails down as far as they'll go. I don't want to feel like this!
And I won't go near any of the cats or Puku because I'm honestly afraid I'll hurt them. Am I that weak that I let one little name on a phone bring me to this?! Why? I can't focus, my vision goes blank, the voices keep getting louder...
I'm disgusted and terrified of myself.
Please. Tell me it gets better. Even if you're just lying, please.
It seems the lawyer was unaware that he was involved and mom's pretty sure Diane is now panicking. But, she is not a pleasant person. She is vicious and cruel and I know the harm she can do with both fists and words...
...AND she's still holding so many things that mean the world to me. My art, my portfolio, photos and statues and memories.
Just seeing her name show up on the phone made me sick. It was like a switch was thrown and I was back in August, back in that hallway and I know what's inside the door and I hear her yelling and I want to run in and protect everything, protect my father and our memories, but I can't make myself move. I can't make myself take the steps to open that door.
I don't want to see dad like that again.
And then, I hear her screaming and the door is open. She's laughing but nowhere in sight and everything is gone. I don't even have my father's ashes. I've failed. It's empty and people are staring at me. Accusing me.
I've been fighting back tears all morning. Have thrown up everything I've eaten and all I can hear are the voices in my head. Some are trying to be calm and comforting, but most are louder and sadistic. They tell in vivid details all the things I could do to Diane. All the wounds I could inflict, the parts of her body that I could tear out. They laugh as they talk and their ideas become more and more graphic. And at first, I agree with them then, I become horrified with myself that I could ever wish any of that on another living being.
And I've gotten so very close to pulling out a knife and this time it's not simply instinctive, this time I want it. I want to bleed. I want that rush. I want to punish myself and yet at the same time be brought back to reality. I'm fighting it, but there have been so many times today where I'll look down and my nails are digging into my skin, and I'm grinning as I do it. I've cut all my nails down as far as they'll go. I don't want to feel like this!
And I won't go near any of the cats or Puku because I'm honestly afraid I'll hurt them. Am I that weak that I let one little name on a phone bring me to this?! Why? I can't focus, my vision goes blank, the voices keep getting louder...
I'm disgusted and terrified of myself.
Please. Tell me it gets better. Even if you're just lying, please.
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no subject
Date: 2011-02-22 07:41 pm (UTC)You know I'm pretty centered, and yet in a spate of anger and anxiety I kicked my cat who had only recently recovered from surgery. (He was okay, and he forgave me long before I forgave myself. Cats are like that.)
Here's a recommendation for something to do:
Bundle up if you need to, then get outside. Then breathe. Breathe through your nose if you can; feel the air going into your lungs and filling them. Breathe out evenly and feel the air move again; feel your breath warm the air outside.
The object of the game is to just *feel*. If you think something, then think it and let it go and go back to breathing. Feel the ground under your feet, too that's holding you up, and know your feet are connected to the whole world. The ground is there to catch you if you fall. You're standing in one spot, connected to the world.
When you're feeling calmer, find the knot in your chest, the tension in your hands and feet and back and muscles where your anxiety and your anger at yourself is. Breathe in, and feel the breathe lift some of that anger. Breathe out, and let the breath take the anger out.
There's going to be some of that anxiety and anger that the breathing won't be able to move, because it's so heavy. that's where your connection to the ground comes in. When you breathe in, let the air displace that heavy feeling. When you breathe out, let the ground at your feet soak up the anxiety and anger.
That's what the ground is for in this world; it's a huge cleansing system that takes unclean stuff and with time, purifies it. You can use it for cleansing feelings too.
This won't take care of everything at once but it's a good way to get control of feelings. The cold air can give you the sharp feeling you want, and letting the heavy, horrible feelings bleed into the ground at your feet just might give you the freedom from the need to cut.
The last three things you can do are: Forgive yourself for that want and think about a future free of it. Forgive yourself for being weak; it's part of being human. Then, if you want to, thank the air and the ground for always being there.
This is stuff I have done in the past when everything was overwhelming. It may sound hokey but it helped me. Since I can't be there beside you, I can only share what's helped me.
Hang in there, kitten; it gets better.