(no subject)

[luco]

The damn bitch of an Executor has been trying to call. We had sent a letter to the lawyer she claimed she had used wanting an update on the status of my belongings and my father's estate.

It seems the lawyer was unaware that he was involved and mom's pretty sure Diane is now panicking. But, she is not a pleasant person. She is vicious and cruel and I know the harm she can do with both fists and words...

...AND she's still holding so many things that mean the world to me. My art, my portfolio, photos and statues and memories.

Just seeing her name show up on the phone made me sick. It was like a switch was thrown and I was back in August, back in that hallway and I know what's inside the door and I hear her yelling and I want to run in and protect everything, protect my father and our memories, but I can't make myself move. I can't make myself take the steps to open that door.

I don't want to see dad like that again.

And then, I hear her screaming and the door is open. She's laughing but nowhere in sight and everything is gone. I don't even have my father's ashes. I've failed. It's empty and people are staring at me. Accusing me.

I've been fighting back tears all morning. Have thrown up everything I've eaten and all I can hear are the voices in my head. Some are trying to be calm and comforting, but most are louder and sadistic. They tell in vivid details all the things I could do to Diane. All the wounds I could inflict, the parts of her body that I could tear out. They laugh as they talk and their ideas become more and more graphic. And at first, I agree with them then, I become horrified with myself that I could ever wish any of that on another living being.

And I've gotten so very close to pulling out a knife and this time it's not simply instinctive, this time I want it. I want to bleed. I want that rush. I want to punish myself and yet at the same time be brought back to reality. I'm fighting it, but there have been so many times today where I'll look down and my nails are digging into my skin, and I'm grinning as I do it. I've cut all my nails down as far as they'll go. I don't want to feel like this!

And I won't go near any of the cats or Puku because I'm honestly afraid I'll hurt them. Am I that weak that I let one little name on a phone bring me to this?! Why? I can't focus, my vision goes blank, the voices keep getting louder...

I'm disgusted and terrified of myself.

Please. Tell me it gets better. Even if you're just lying, please.

Comments

[mogumogu.livejournal.com]

If you're worried about trusting yourself, make sure you have some company so you're not alone with yourself. It'll probably lessen the echo chamber effect, and give you a little perspective.

[erinlin.livejournal.com]

It does get better, I promise it does. Is someone with you right now? Is there anyone you can call?

This will pass. Just try to breathe. *hugs you*

[scribe-protra.livejournal.com]

It gets better. The trick is surviving though now.

[mewsgryphoncat.livejournal.com]

It's me, sheraton, Nancy. Kitten, it gets better. Post-traumatic stress is the name for what you're experiencing right now. *You will be alright.*

You know I'm pretty centered, and yet in a spate of anger and anxiety I kicked my cat who had only recently recovered from surgery. (He was okay, and he forgave me long before I forgave myself. Cats are like that.)

Here's a recommendation for something to do:

Bundle up if you need to, then get outside. Then breathe. Breathe through your nose if you can; feel the air going into your lungs and filling them. Breathe out evenly and feel the air move again; feel your breath warm the air outside.

The object of the game is to just *feel*. If you think something, then think it and let it go and go back to breathing. Feel the ground under your feet, too that's holding you up, and know your feet are connected to the whole world. The ground is there to catch you if you fall. You're standing in one spot, connected to the world.

When you're feeling calmer, find the knot in your chest, the tension in your hands and feet and back and muscles where your anxiety and your anger at yourself is. Breathe in, and feel the breathe lift some of that anger. Breathe out, and let the breath take the anger out.

There's going to be some of that anxiety and anger that the breathing won't be able to move, because it's so heavy. that's where your connection to the ground comes in. When you breathe in, let the air displace that heavy feeling. When you breathe out, let the ground at your feet soak up the anxiety and anger.

That's what the ground is for in this world; it's a huge cleansing system that takes unclean stuff and with time, purifies it. You can use it for cleansing feelings too.

This won't take care of everything at once but it's a good way to get control of feelings. The cold air can give you the sharp feeling you want, and letting the heavy, horrible feelings bleed into the ground at your feet just might give you the freedom from the need to cut.

The last three things you can do are: Forgive yourself for that want and think about a future free of it. Forgive yourself for being weak; it's part of being human. Then, if you want to, thank the air and the ground for always being there.

This is stuff I have done in the past when everything was overwhelming. It may sound hokey but it helped me. Since I can't be there beside you, I can only share what's helped me.

Hang in there, kitten; it gets better.

[wanderingdreamr.livejournal.com]

*hugs* It's going to get better, just please hang on for now.

[cleflink.livejournal.com]

*hugs* This isn't a case of you being weak at all. It's a very hard thing to face powerful feelings like this and the fact that you're fighting both those urges and the fact that you feel this way in the first place is very brave. Which doesn't make it easier, I know, but we're all here cheering you on and wishing you well.

Take courage and try to breathe. You're not alone. *more hugs*

get better

[sparrow9.livejournal.com]

You can't expect to get better over night it takes time and I think your doing great. I lost my dad five years ago to cancer and all I can say is that it was a hard struggle but it DID get better. YOur a good person and I'm sorry this is happening to you, best of luck

[starr-bryte.livejournal.com]

*whimper* Come back to us Luco! Don't let her win! You are stronger than this! What Would Zuko Do! WHAT WOULD ZUKO DO?!

...
...

Maybe that's a bad example, but no matter how bad things got for him, he just kept on pushing through and with determination and stubbornness he managed great things. Be stubborn! Be determined! Use the fire! FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!

We all love you and are right behind you know matter what happens! Even in the silence we scream our souls to dust for you! Remember!

Lion-Turtle: Even the deepest darkness must yeild to purified light.

[saendie.livejournal.com]

I'm not wise nor do I have words of eloquence, but it will get better at some point. *hugs*

[kalloway]

*hugs* It will get better.

If you ever want to chat, Google still has their free calls to Canada. ♥

[suzukiblu.livejournal.com]

It always gets better.

[dark-puck.livejournal.com]

It will get better, Luco.

And reacting the way you do doesn't make you weak.

Like mewsgryphoncat said, it's post-traumatic stress.

It will get better.

*hugs*

[dragon5174.livejournal.com]

Sweetie you have me in tears.

It does goes better, trust me; the only problem is that it takes time. I'll give you a saying that someone gave me when I thought my world was caving in and that nothing would even get better:

"That which does not kill us only serves to make us stronger"

I know this is an insane kind of saying but it helped me immensely and still does. I know its hard and that the littlest thing will set you off or send you on a trip down memory lane, but knowing that you can survive and become a stronger person because of it is empowering in its own way.

Please make sure you have someone that you trust with you to talk with as well; that in itself is an amazing kind of therapy and will help to get things off your chest and help to sort out your thoughts. *sends hugs*

[prettyarbitrary.livejournal.com]

It does get better.

And remember this: we're human beings. We get angry, we get upset, we get irrational. That doesn't make us bad people.

And when you're irrational with grief and anger and pain--even if it feels like you're thinking clearly--the things you think and feel don't make you a bad person either. Don't give in to those things, but don't hate yourself for feeling them. We all have that capacity. It's an ugly side of the human condition, but it doesn't make us bad people. It just makes us people. What we feel is what we feel. What we choose to do about those feelings is where we define who we are.

Understand that, that you don't need to blame yourself for what you feel.

[onikotsu.livejournal.com]

0h Luco *hugs* It will get better and I'm not lying, not at all.

I don't want to hear you call yourself disgusting, because you AREN'T. You're going through a lot of bad shit, anyone would be in pieces by now and having your mental problems doesn't help. You are the strongest person I know and one of the most loving too. Everybody hates and everyone feels rage, whether want to admit it or not. I don't believe that anyone who can survive as much as you, love as much as you, and create such beautiful things like you do can ever be disgusting. You're a beautiful person, I fully and completely believe that.

Please please don't hurt yourself or do anything else you'll regret. Because everyone has things that make them want to break down and cry and you really don't understand how strong you are because you keep going because some people would have given up. A lot of people in fact.

And even though you're scared of yourself you know what? I'm not scared of you, if I was there I would hand you a knife and hug you because I know who you are. And believe me I don't see anything scary about you.

I'll say again it does get better and it will. I love you *hugs and spoils as much as I can*

PS- Your package is in the mail, I forgot to put a note in the package to please don't eat out of the Rain bowl, the glaze came out funny and I'm pretty sure it'd be bad to eat out of. If you need to talk send me a note or email telling me how you want me to get in contact and when and I'll do it. Also if you know any sort of story that would cheer you up you can ask me to write it, I really really don't mind. *hugs* Love you so much Luco, I really do.