(no subject)

[luco]

One year ago today, dad died. Around this time I started calling his cell and getting no answer. And I kept calling and calling and calling, till Mom agreed to take me down to Toronto the next day.

That's when I would find his body.

One year.

I thought I was doing so well. I thought I had made it through. I thought I was stronger.

But today comes and I feel like I can't breath. My hands shake and it feels like my mind is full of broken glass. Every thought is painful, sharp.

I feel like I'm going to shatter and I just want to curl up in a ball.

I don't want to face this week. I don't want my birthday to come (they almost put the funeral on that day). I don't want to move, or think or be.

And FanExpo....so many memories attached to that date. If it wasn't for the fact that the table was paid for and that rent is relying solely on me doing well there, I would cancel. I know I'd probably regret it later when the pain isn't as immediate, but right now...

...right now I don't want to be me.

...and people though I was strong.

Comments

[cleflink.livejournal.com]

*hugs* This isn't about being strong, my dear, not in the way you're thinking. It's not about not hurting, or not feeling overwhelmed by the grief in the right now - strength is what ultimately gets you through to a time when the hurt isn't so sharp. You're doing yourself a disservice to think that you should be 'over this' by now - a year isn't really that long when it comes to someone beloved.

So please, don't be so hard on yourself. You can weather this and there are so many people who love you and know that you're doing your very best. And your best is just as strong as it should be. Really.

*hugs*