luco | Because I'm curious....

And because all of you are interesting to listen to and well, I'm curious about what you honestly think.

So here, have fun with this, while I do art off the computer during the morning ((which you sadly won't see till next week because I have no scanner here ;;))

Enjoy!

ANONYMOUS MEME
Leave me an anonymous comment pouring your heart out. Say anything. Tell me your stories, your secrets, those things no one ever asks but you wish to tell. Tell me about your love, your hate, your indifference, your joy. Tell me about what's inside of you when you're reading through these entries on your friends list, and tell me why you continue to come back here. Tell me anything. Tell me what you really think of me or yourself. Anything.

Post anonymously. Speak honestly. Post as many times as you like.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

From: (Anonymous)

I often wonder if life is really worth living. My heart is broken, shattered into a million pieces that could very easily fit through the eye of a needle. People take advantage of this. They've tried to break me, yet I still stand. But why do I still stand? What possible reason could there be to continue existing? It's not procreation; as a species, we have advanced and overpopulated to the point of no longer needing it. It's not religion; we have developed to the degree of no longer needing a God. We are our own gods, and should behave as such; yet we don't. We continue to writhe and rot and squirm in our own feces.

Is such a world really worth of existence? As part of this revolting race, am I? Or am I destined to stumble to the mud and shit, tormented by others and myself until time claims my body?

From: (Anonymous)

It's not religion; we have developed to the degree of no longer needing a God.

Speak for yourself.

From: (Anonymous)

faith is inscritble and imposble. from a view point of explantion, scines has, in many regards, rendered god unessersy, but people still belive, and still chose to belife, becous of faith. and i dont see the problem with that, as long as its understood that this isnt logic but the imposble to interprite.

From: (Anonymous)

Inscrutable, yes. Impossible? You are misusing the word. God(s) may no longer be necessary to explain the natural world, but science isn't doing that great a job of it either. Ah, the cosmological constant.¹

I have no idea what to make of your "as long as it's understood that this isn't logic but the impossible to interpret". That is not parsing at all.

1. Einstein, when inventing the Theory of Relativity, put in a 'fudge factor' to make the equations make sense. He later decided this was a bad idea. However, physicists later on discovered that yeah, there's a fudge factor in the universe. It's just all of our models say that the cosmological constant should be either 0 or a very, very large number. However, as near as we can tell, the actual cosmological constant is a very small but non-zero number.

From: (Anonymous)

I should elaborate: science is a great basis for explaining the natural world. It is not, however, complete nor conclusive. A lot of our models for the way the universe works are constantly being proven wrong as we learn more about how the universe actually works.

Using science as a basis for why we no longer need faith makes little sense, since the two concepts are almost entirely unrelated. One can explore the infinite vastnesses of space or the smallest atoms, discover how they work, etc., and that still doesn't remove the idea of a god or gods from the equation.

From: (Anonymous)

achuly, this is what i was trying to say. when i say faith is imposble to interprite, i mean it is something that is enterly internal. you cant shine a light on it and understand it, from the outside. it requires no evidence, and it is clearly a part of the human condition. people can and do just gain faith in god, and to pose science as a reson for the end of faith is flawed. science mearly elimnated the need for god to explain the natral phonomonon (like how everything got here). it dose not creat a fill the more intangble aspects of a persons life.

From: (Anonymous)

I gotta wonder if it's true that we no longer need a God. I don't hold to that belief, but even were I not what I am I still don't understand how anyone could have purpose without some sort of God.

Humans just seem to tend to fuck everything up.

From: (Anonymous)

people can creat perpose, and do. we do not need to reseave our perpose from a higher authority, we can forge one our selfs.

humans fuck stuff up, but we also creat wonderful things. good has come from atheists and christans and budists and sihks and muslims and every other relgious thought under the sun. and so has bad. relgion, or a lack there off, dose not stop, or start, anything.

From: (Anonymous)

I yearn for love. Like that love you see in movies. I wish so deeply for someone to call me his "special angel."

I have found love. So much special love. If only he would say that to me.

From: (Anonymous)

The more people change, the more I feel like I stay the same. My "best friend" has basically dumped me for her new girlfriend. That's fine, I don't mind. I'm happy that she's found someone...but we haven't spoken in MONTHS.

I just feel really left out. And I feel like a stupid little kid who can't stop clinging to people who have obviously moved on.

From: (Anonymous)

There are times I wonder if living is truly worth it. When I am in a subway station and subway is coming, I have to turn around and count slowly in my head so that I wouldn't jump in front of it.

I hate myself. I am ugly, hideous, fat woman and I want to find someone who would think I am beautiful and make me believe that. I want to have a girlfriend. I want to truly find love and that commitment.

I want my littlebrother to be nicer to me. To treat me like person with feelings, not some big blob of fat who you can insult as much as you want.

I went to facebook in one community (?) and it was pretty much dissing one band and i made the mistake of mentioning that I like the band's music. In fifteen minutes, I heard that I am a troll face, they cannot tell if I am a man or woman, and it's disgusting that I am a lesbian and I should be, because no man would ever take me.

I wish I could kill myself. But I have already used my one chance and if I do it again and survive I will just be one of those pathetic people who do it repeatedly but never succeed. Just do it for attention. I can't become like that.

And humanity is horrible.

From: (Anonymous)

Honestly, sometimes I feel that the AtLA fandom and it's awesome people and LJ in general are the only things keeping me alive. I feel that I can be there, and the thought of people remembering me and my preferences makes me so happy. I don't think those people realize that how important it's to me. I cannot stand the thought of they thinking I am annoying or useless. I cannot stand it when they answer my comment and it can be thought as a negative or angry. I always feel terror and think that: "They will kick me out!"

From: (Anonymous)

I love my life, and just about everything about it. I have a fantastic family and great friends. I feel like I'm on this huge adventure, dodging obstacles, facing challenges, knowing that there's some amazing destiny at the end of it all.

I used to worry about fitting in, finding a girlfriend, being the best at things, and then I realized that none of it is really worth worrying about. Sure, some things are important, like what you're going to do with your life, but all the social aspects...they're pretty low impact.

Fitting in is a joke. No fits with everyone, and I'm glad I figured that out. I realized that I'd rather be my goofy, nerdy self than any modicum of coolness any day, and that's when I started finding my real friends, people who like me for me and enjoy the same things I do.

I've only ever had one girlfriend, and we broke up a while ago. And I'm fine with that. I'll find someone. It's not a matter of if, it's a matter of when. There is someone out there for me. I just haven't found her yet.

I have a hard time understanding people who angst about things on a regular basis, and while I can't pretend to understand their situation and what they've been through, I can't help but think that maybe they'd be better off if they just relaxed. As a great star of the small screen once said, "Momentai!" Take it easy. Don't stress. And never be ashamed of you are. That's how I live, and it's worked out great.

From: (Anonymous)

Not everyone is you.

But I have to agree, people would be so much better off if they stopped, smiled, breathed and just looked at the world for what it is. :)

From: (Anonymous)

Man. Reading these makes me want to hug everybody. I have to count myself as incredibly lucky to find so many things that bring me joy. I wish I could share that with all those who seem so sad here today.

Life is both ugly and beautiful. You can't have one without the other, otherwise the beautiful becomes merely ordinary. It's when you feel that the ugliness might overwhelm you that you have to fight even harder against it. It's not easy but it is so, so worth it.

Yes there are people who are mean and cruel just as there are people who are gentle and kind. Choose which one you want to be and don't give a damn about what anybody else thinks.

From: (Anonymous)

because I can't admit it anywhere else:

my favorite pictures of yours are of dragon!zuko.

mm scales.

(i feel so shallow compared to everyone else here.)

From: (Anonymous)

Hey, I want her to make a close up of the tattoo Zuko has in her Pirate!Au.

From: (Anonymous)

yes please. <3

From: (Anonymous)

... Because I want that tattoo. But it's tail would be in my hip and it's head on my shoulder.

From: (Anonymous)

I don't even particularly like tattoos but that sounds completely badass.

just sayin'

From: (Anonymous)

Yeah. It's so bloody beautiful...

From: (Anonymous)

I'm depressed. Sometimes I am suicidally so, but it's been months since the last time I wanted to pour handfuls of pills in my hand and take them all. But I remember what it's like. I remember the little thoughts creeping into my head as I make a to-do-list for the day, how 'kill myself' kept sneaking onto the end of the list. I remember staying up late to keep talking to people who love me because if I stopped, I'd do something drastic.

I remember every endless day feeling as empty and useless as the last.

I have a job now that I love. It keeps me busy, and I enjoy doing it, and I haven't had a suicidal thought since I started even though it's the dead of winter, and winter is the worst time of the year for me.

Some days are still horrible. I hate the way the inside of my house is still insulation-covered rather than walls. I hate the bare concrete floors. I hate that my dad has cancer, and he's always going off to NIH to get tests. I hate that my mother works and lives an hour away these days, and I only see her on the weekends when she comes home.

But the world is lovely. The world has Chimaera Fancies pendants, the Tao Te Ching, empires that have risen and fallen, colored pencils and coloring books, glass and scrapbook paper and glue, bath bombs, Mardi Gras, chocolate, cygnets growing into swans, ducks demanding bread, the feel of cold air rushing into your lungs as you step out of the car.

Life is shockingly beautiful, and I don't ever want it to end.

From: (Anonymous)

On reflection, it's not just the job. Being in the right mental place where I can sit and listen to Havi (http://www.fluentself.com/) and be receptive to what she has to say has helped a lot.

From: (Anonymous)

I feel like everything is just going on as normal and leaving me behind. I just do the same stuff over and over again: I hang out with the same "friends", I eat the same food, say the same things, smile the same smile, laugh at the same jokes... It's like I'm living in a time loop, except that no one else is and their lives are going on and changing while mine isn't. I have tried making changes but they leave me feeling out of place or emotionally dead.

I'm slowly understanding that for some reason, at some point, I have become a spectator of my own life. Instead of living it, I look at it. What was it they said, "I don't live, I exist"? I feel just like that.

From: (Anonymous)

Someone said to me once that there's no such thing as equilibrium in being alive. Either you try to make things better, or things slowly decline.

*hugs* A man's reach should exceed his grasp/Or what's a heaven for?

From: (Anonymous)

I'm reading the Dalai Lama's "The Art of Happiness". It makes so much sense. If you consider all the hardship he's been through, it's astounding that he has so much positivity to teach, and how many people's live he's improved.

I'm sure it's not for everyone, but I'm much happier.

From: (Anonymous)

You are so, so brave.

From: (Anonymous)

Life is going great for me. After being in a rut since high school, things are finally moving forward enough for me to feel like I'm worth something. I have direction now :D

From: (Anonymous)

I am fresh off of a slightly life-changing realization: that I am allowed to be happy, but only I can make myself that way. This realization, coming off of two years of seasonal depression in a state that has five to six months of winter, chronic pain, religious abandonment and several lengths of time where I haven't been able to write, should probably not be as surprising as it was. I also can't really remember the last time I was consistently happy, which should worry me a little more than it does. I've probably smiled more in the past few days than I have in weeks, and the only feeling I have is joy.

I told my parents I wasn't Catholic anymore Saturday, and I have to sing Ash Wednesday mass tomorrow. Irony, you never fail me.

I wrote the first in my fantasy novel that I have in a year, and it felt great. I never realized how much I missed these characters until I walked back into their minds; now I'm going to have a hard time leaving them to go finish the novel that has to be done by May. It's okay, though; this story is my oldest, and it will probably never be finished. There's too much to say and too little time that my wrists allot me every day.

I need voice recognition software like woah. Eventually.

You make wonderful art, Luco. You really, really do. Thank you for taking the extra time and effort to share it with us anonymous people on the internet; I, for one, really appreciate it.

From: (Anonymous)

i am a firm belifer life is what you make of it. meaning is created, and in the end, we should seek to further things.

and whilst i spend huge pirods of time online aruging over the fine points of what makes the world beter, im not achuly doing anything. im stuck in an alright job, i dont hate it, but its just...not anything. im not making the world beter. and i wish i could find something that did that.

also, girls. prenerly. but thats boring. XD

From: (Anonymous)

I really wish my health stops being an issue. Last week I had a random allergy attack that ended with me dealing with hive-like swellings and redness. The year before I woke up one day with my left eye swollen half shut. Year around life long allergies can bite my ass. My back/spinal problems can bite my ass. I really wish I have a goal in life or even a source of motivation. I'm horrible at getting things done and my random ADD doesn't help either.

I've always loved drawing when I was little but I've never been any good at it. Okay I'm passable but I really wish that I could convey any image I have in my mind to paper and I greatly admire all the people that CAN but I still feel a bit of sadness inside because I can't.

I really actually want a boyfriend, I never had one and I constantly wonder if there's anyone out there at all for me. On the flip side I don't know if I am capable of trusting that much of myself to any one person. I'm paranoid about getting hurt.

From: (Anonymous)

I....I love your art, but that's not the main reason why I hang around. When I read about what happened to you...your personal stuff, I couldn't believe how strong you are and how brave you are. I would have just...faded into nothing, but here you are, strong and brave and still holding on. I have never met anyone else like that. I admire you. You're incredible. I just want to give you puppies and see you happy. And yet, I hardly know you. I sound creepy, sorry. I don't mean to...

I want to get a place with my SO, but he's being a dick. I don't think he loves me as much as I love him. It kills me, and makes me dream about him cheating on me.

I just recently discovered I don't believe in God. I used to believe in reincarnation. Now I'm terrified of death.

There are days I just want to...meh. I'm done now.

But I also really hate Jetko, and long for more Maiko...uh, I may not be so anonymous, shit.

From: (Anonymous)

I love you so much that I sometimes I hate you, sometimes I want to scream and shake you, demand that you let me free. But one word from you holds me captive and makes me content for days. I believe every promise you make and it breaks my heart every time you don't follow through. I love you so much, you are beautiful, sweet, innocent, worldly. You are my paradox, my angel savior and my demon captor. You hold my life in your hand, command me to die and I will open myself and let the blood pour out. But you have commanded me to live which is twice as hard but yet I continue on, the collar of your command around my neck. But please don’t be afraid, I could never harm you. I want to protect you, make you happy. I love you so much.

My mother was an artist, I use the word was because she had me and that was that. She always talks about wanting to get back into art and complains how having children has stopped that. She regrets having me, blames me. But it isn't my fault, I DIDN'T ASK TO BE BORN! She was the fool and I am the product. I do not want to have children because what would come from my womb that could be good?

I hate how everyone condemns America for what we've done, what have we done that is worse than the rest of the world? They say we are fools who are lazy and smile too much when we work so hard. We smile because if we stopped it would mean we had lost, so often there is more of a grimace than anything happy. It bothers me more than maybe it should.

When I was young I was molested by one of the people I trusted most. She told me it was a game. She left before I realized what had been done to me. I’ve never told my mother who let her into the house, I’ve never told my friends. I’ve never gotten an answer about why she did it, maybe that’s what haunts me the most. Did she love me or was I just a toy, I fear both answers. The rooms of my house are haunted by ghosts only I see. Sometimes I wake up from nightmares about her coming for me. I can not go back to sleep because I fear that she will be waiting for me. I try not to let her control anything I do now, but I know that I will never be entirely free of her.

I am so tired, I've spent my life running after people and trying to do everything I can do to make them smile. But all they do is hurt me, they leave me behind and alone. I know my ending will not be a happy one, for someone to love me enough to has after me is impossible. I fear my end and yet I long for it. I only hope that my end will bring a measure of happiness to those I love, an know they will all forget me in time. I feel like a ghost among people, I am too afraid to share anything that matters when I have to own up to my words, I hate myself after I say anything, ashamed at my weakness. I am afraid that if I stop running after people that I will be all alone, I am afraid of finding out that I don't need them. I am afraid when I look in the mirror and see what I could so easily become if I lost control. I am always so afraid but there will be no one to hold me, I want someone to need me but I am replaceable to everyone. I am so afraid but am not allowed to just curl up into a ball and hide. I am afraid and that is my greatest secret.

From: (Anonymous)

I recently lost someone who I considered my best friend. After months of fighting and a wonderful but decisive trip, I realized that she wasn't the same -or maybe she was never as I thought- and only was there for me when she needed something. Everytime I needed love, comprenhension or a shoulder to cry, she left me behind to go with someone better than me. I still can't get over it; it hurts me that those years of friendship didn't mean anything at all for her, when all I could care about then was her. I wonder: why did she treat me like that? Why do I have to care for the others, when everyone seems to forget about me and even my friends pass me by? Why can't I trust myself?

I'm constantly looking for affection. I have some friends, but I'm extremely shy and socially awkward, so I feel really uncomfortable around people I don't know. I've always wanted a close family to rely on; I hate being an only child. I feel trapped in my own house, in my school. I know that I don't have future in a country like mine, with too much violence and politic problems. In my trips, I can't stop wishing that my country changed, allowing me to enjoy it as much as I've enjoyed others cities.

There are things that make me happy, like travelling around the world, being able to go to the beach alone in the night or reading. I have too many dreams, and I'm afraid of not being good enough to make them true; I'm afraid of being a failure and I don't want to be lonely. As everybody else, I want to feel loved.

This was just what I needed. I'm grateful that someone allows me to share my problems, even if the one who reads this doesn't know me and doesn't care. Thanks, and my apologies for wasting your time with stories from my life, told in a probably mediocre english. Thank you very much.

From: (Anonymous)

This sounds like it could be me.

I'm sorry, secret-teller, that you've experienced that sort of pain. It's truly a terrible pain to carry. *huggles*

From: (Anonymous)

It's wonderful how can you feel a little better when there's someone, even far away in the internet, who can listen to what you have to say.

Today, you made me smile with your comment.

From: (Anonymous)

I feel so guilty when I think about killing myself because I still see what my father's suicide has done to my family, and especially from what it has done to me. The unanswered question of 'why' is so hard to bear most of the time. I can't do that to the people I love.

Not being able to find a job is making me depressed. I'm withdrawing from the people I love because I'm so ashamed that I can't find a stupid job even after graduating at the top of my Uni class.

I'm always alone because people annoy the crap out of me and I get tired of them. That's why friendships for me don't last more than a couple of months before I leave them.

I tell people that I don't want to get married or have children, but sometimes I do, but I can't take back what I've already said. My pride won't let me prove people right when they tell me that I will get married and/or have children because I'm too young to make up my mind right now.

I hate how religion is all people seem to think about these days and that everyone condemns everyone else for not sharing in their religious views. I hate how people see the Bible as the book that must be true, just b/c it's about their religion. I wish they could see that the Bible is just like a Roman or Greek or Celtic mythology book. Just b/c it's a book that you believe in, doesn't mean it's real. And if you can actually believe that your God exists, then why can't other gods and goddesses exist as well?

From: (Anonymous)

STOP ABANDONING ME.

From: (Anonymous)

=/ :hugs:

From: (Anonymous)

I'm currently at my friend's apartment with a group of other friends. It's a whole host of holidays over here at the moment, and since I'm overseas, I wanted to at least spend them with people I care about if I can't be with my family. And yet I'm in the corner on my own, on my laptop with my headphones on, doing on my own thing while they crowd around a laptop watching a movie. Perhaps it's just me being anti-social, but it is a movie I refuse to watch (for personal reasons). I hate feeling left out of group things like this, but there are certain values I refuse to compromise for.

I guess a part of the reason why I'm feeling so moody is because I'll be graduating in two months, and after this I'll be moving back home. I doubt I'll ever see any of these friends in person again, not when "home" is literally halfway around the world. I hate the idea of breaking off all my ties again (no, the internet and webcam is just not the same), and perhaps I'm pulling away now so I don't feel the break as badly when I do have to leave.

Feeling lonely in a room full of other people is so much worse than being by myself.

There are two reasons why I keep coming back to your journal. One, I really, really love your artwork, whether you're drawing for fandom or something original. And I keep coming back because your LJ entries are always so genuine and honest. So much has happened to you, but I find that... I don't know, you're still here, and you're still you, and it's a subtle sort of strength.

From: (Anonymous)

Sometimes the thing I want most in the world is for another woman to love me and to pleasure me, and then i look at my boyfriend and say to myself sweet Jesus fuck, i need to stop thinking about sex.